Today was Leah's funeral. It was a beautiful service and quite a large crowd gathered to pray with us as we sent G's grandmother off to meet the Lord.
The upside of funerals is that families get together. Following the service at the gravesite, we picked Austin up from the sitter's and headed to Glen and Holly's. It ended up being a great get together! Austin entertained and ate food until I thought he was going to be sick. He had a great time with G's cousin Trevor and with his cousin Callum. Cindy (another of G's cousins) and I decided to get the boys together for a playdate. They are only about 7 months apart and they seemed to get along well. Now that I think about it, I remember being pregnant at the "Welcome Baby" shower that Holly had for Cindy...I just wasn't telling anyone!
We ate, drank and shared stories. I'm sure the party is still going on...we had to bring the monkey home for his bath and bed.
A friend shared this poem with me and I want to share it with you. I am also putting this down as something that I want shared at my funeral (which I sincerely hope is not for a long time yet). I truly believe that we live in the hearts of those who love us and that when someone dies they don't ever leave us.
Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.
~ Mary Elizabeth Frye
A Boutilier Gathering
Monday, March 29, 2010 •
Saturday, March 27, 2010 •
It's hard for me to explain how I am feeling right now. Leah was an amazing person and she will be dearly missed. I keep thinking about how lucky I am to still have all of my grandparents and I am not sure how I will handle it when one of them passes. I'm lucky enough to be close to three of my grandparents and I call them, send them pictures of Austin and visit with them when I am home. I love my visits with them. They fall all over Austin as he shows off his extreme cuteness and then they tell stories of when I was a little girl or when my mom and Dad were younger. It's fun to sit there and take it all in...I look forward to those moments and I don't want to think about not having more of them.
I have been a member of the Boutilier family for 7 years now...I can't believe it has been so long! My first big Boutilier family event was Leah's 90th birthday. I'll never forget walking into the Kinsmen club, just down the street from where we live now, and meeting all of G's family. I finally understood how poor G felt when I dragged him to NL for the first time!!! I had met Leah twice before the event and when we walked up to wish her a happy birthday she looked right at me and said "Well isn't it nice that you are still around." I wasn't sure if that was a compliment but I took it as one.
Fast forward to 2007. We went to Nan Boutilier's 95th birthday party at the nursing home. Leah wasted no time mincing words when we arrived. "Are you pregnant yet?" I was a little taken a back to say the least. G and I had only recently made the decision to start trying for a family and hadn't shared that with anyone. When I told her that no we weren't expecting yet, Leah looked right at me and said "What's wrong with you? Get on with it already." G and I had to laugh because only Leah would come right out and demand a Great-Grandbaby!
It makes me sad that Austin won't have any memories of his Great Nan Boutilier. We will share stories and pictures with his as he grows so that he'll know who she was but that just isn't the same as sitting on her knee listening to her tell stories about when G was a little boy.
I hate funeral homes with a passion. They are so sad and depressing. I don't expect ballons and a party but I really feel like we should be celebrating life and not just morning our loss. I also hate the open casket thing. It is really creepy to see someone all laid out like that. When my great grandmother passed away I remember looking at her in the casket and thinking that she looked fake. Same thing when my uncle Cyril passed. Open caskets freak me out!
Leah lived as exceptional life and while we are all sad that she is gone, I don't think we should lose sight of the joy that she brought to us all. We will miss you Nan.
Friday, March 26, 2010 •
today I tried to make chocolate chip cookies....and I burnt 2 of the 3 dozen...distracted much? Here are a few pictures of the red velvet cake balls and the green velvet version that I made for my sister's 19th o'birthday on St. Patty's day:
Really tasty! I have a bunch of great Easter cupcake ideas too. This is going to be a busy week for baking. Nat's birthday and the office(fiscal) New Year's party is on April 1, Austin is having an easter egg hunt on April 3 and Mark's dedication is April 4...cupcakes for every occasion!
The great stay at home mom debate
The past two days my sitter has been closed and I have gotten to work from home. It's amazing how much work I can actually get done with a toddler sitting in my lap. We started off yesterday morning with a playdate at the ice cream church with Clare and Mark. Austin had a blast and it was a lot of fun to hang out with Emily. After lunch Austin refused to nap so I tried to figure out a way to get my work done. Playhouse Disney is my friend! Austin watched Mickey and Handy Manny and I sent emails and scheduled meetings.
Today the weather is miserable and so we're hanging out at home. Austin is napping at the moment and I have gotten a lot done....the only problem is that I'm sitting here trying to figure out what I can do to work from home and make at least my current salary. I like my job but I love being home with my son. He is such a great kid and I realize how much I am missing. He is so clever and he is learning new words everyday. I love just cuddling up and reading a book with him. He really loves singing songs and dancing right now too. We've been having repeat performances of Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes!
Being home brings me back to being on maternity leave and being here for each and every moment. I need to work. There is no way around that one but my gosh I would like to stay home. I dream of winning the lottery and I am constantly thinking of things that I could do that would allow me to work from home...although...maybe I could bring Monkey to work with me! I'll set up a play space in my office and he can come to meetings with me and liven things up! A daycare at the Health Centre would be nice and then I could see him whenever I wanted during the day....
Being a working mom is a struggle. I am constantly divided between working and wanting to be with Austin. When I go to work I try to focus on what I am doing and not think about what Austin is doing and then to make up for it I go a little overboard on spending time with him and doing fun things when we all get home at the end of the day. By the time he goes to bed at 8:30pm I am exhausted. It makes it really difficult to get my workouts in or to spend any real quality time with Gordon.
It's frustrating because I'm sure if I stayed home and took in kids I would be just as exhausted and the house just as neglected and I'm not sure that I would feel 100% happy with my decision to give up my job...
Not sure what the answer is...does anyone else?
Today the weather is miserable and so we're hanging out at home. Austin is napping at the moment and I have gotten a lot done....the only problem is that I'm sitting here trying to figure out what I can do to work from home and make at least my current salary. I like my job but I love being home with my son. He is such a great kid and I realize how much I am missing. He is so clever and he is learning new words everyday. I love just cuddling up and reading a book with him. He really loves singing songs and dancing right now too. We've been having repeat performances of Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes!
Being home brings me back to being on maternity leave and being here for each and every moment. I need to work. There is no way around that one but my gosh I would like to stay home. I dream of winning the lottery and I am constantly thinking of things that I could do that would allow me to work from home...although...maybe I could bring Monkey to work with me! I'll set up a play space in my office and he can come to meetings with me and liven things up! A daycare at the Health Centre would be nice and then I could see him whenever I wanted during the day....
Being a working mom is a struggle. I am constantly divided between working and wanting to be with Austin. When I go to work I try to focus on what I am doing and not think about what Austin is doing and then to make up for it I go a little overboard on spending time with him and doing fun things when we all get home at the end of the day. By the time he goes to bed at 8:30pm I am exhausted. It makes it really difficult to get my workouts in or to spend any real quality time with Gordon.
It's frustrating because I'm sure if I stayed home and took in kids I would be just as exhausted and the house just as neglected and I'm not sure that I would feel 100% happy with my decision to give up my job...
Not sure what the answer is...does anyone else?
Sunday, March 21, 2010 •
So last week continued....
Wednesday morning I got up at 2 am and was ill...and I mean you would think I drank a 26er ill. Needless to say I didn't go to work. At noon G called and said he was coming home and the next thing I know we're both down and out. I couldn't even get up to pick Austin up from the sitter's. My awesome sister in law picked him up for me and my in-laws come over to help us take care of him until his bedtime and by help I mean do it all. Just as they were getting him ready for bed he started throwing up. My poor father in law didn't know what to do with himself. If I hadn't been so ill I would have had a hard time containing my laughter.
Thursday we all stayed home and were starting to be on the mend and Friday was business as usual, though I still couldn't eat anything. It's Sunday now and I'm still more or less on a diet of toast and water!
This weekend has been gorgeous! Yesterday it was almost 20 degrees. We went to Adam's gold medal hockey game (happy to report that he won!) and Austin cheered his heart out and I have the video to prove it. It was so funny!
Wednesday morning I got up at 2 am and was ill...and I mean you would think I drank a 26er ill. Needless to say I didn't go to work. At noon G called and said he was coming home and the next thing I know we're both down and out. I couldn't even get up to pick Austin up from the sitter's. My awesome sister in law picked him up for me and my in-laws come over to help us take care of him until his bedtime and by help I mean do it all. Just as they were getting him ready for bed he started throwing up. My poor father in law didn't know what to do with himself. If I hadn't been so ill I would have had a hard time containing my laughter.
Thursday we all stayed home and were starting to be on the mend and Friday was business as usual, though I still couldn't eat anything. It's Sunday now and I'm still more or less on a diet of toast and water!
This weekend has been gorgeous! Yesterday it was almost 20 degrees. We went to Adam's gold medal hockey game (happy to report that he won!) and Austin cheered his heart out and I have the video to prove it. It was so funny!After the game we got groceries and went home to play in the backyard. Austin had a great time running around the yard while G and I dreamed of the projects we would like to get done in the back. We need a new deck but not sure when that is going to happen....we might be able to get one more summer out of the deck that we have now but next year it will need to be replaced for sure. Anyway...back to Austin running around. I have to say that it was exactly what I had envisioned when we were looking for a house. He has so much space to run, jump, dig in the dirt and just be a little boy. We're getting a slide for him to add to the fun. There is a park down the street but it will be nice to be able to just let him go in the backyard. Here are a few pics of our outdoor adventure:
Friday, March 19, 2010 •
I know people say that all the time but today I mean it!! Since my last update so much has happened and I haven’t been very good at documenting them. Where to start?….
Last Saturday we took Austin to the Discovery Centre. He had so much fun playing in the sandbox, walking across the suspension bridge, and played with the bubbles. Played in the bubbles is probably a better word for it. He was fascinated! He submerged his hands in the bubble solution and took such joy in watching the foaming that resulted from his rapid movements. I took the bubble wand and blew some big bubbles and he squealed with delight as he chased the bubble around the tub. It was so much fun. We tried to put him in a giant bubble but instead of being surrounded in bubbly goodness, he fell and when knee deep in the solution.
Luckily I had packed a change of clothes for him. I stripped him down to his fuzzy bunz while G tried to dry his sock and shoe (of course I didn’t bring extra socks or shoes), got him dressed in his dry clothes and we let him run around the room for small wonders with one bare foot (yes…me the germ-a-phobe…let my child walk around barefoot in a public place). We spent another hour or so at the Discovery Centre helping Austin walk up slated floors that look level, climb into the truck and play in the giant Lego racing car. Every Saturday should be that much fun!
Around 2am on Monday, I hear my little monkey calling out. “Maaaaamy….Mama? MAAAAAAMEEE!” It wasn’t stopping, which meant this wasn’t just a little stir in his sleep. I went into his room, picked him up fully prepared to just rock him back to sleep. And then it hit me….the smell of baby vomit. Not spit up mind you…. Spit up has a distinctive non-threatening aroma…you just wipe it up and its gone. Our first experience with baby vomit was not as bad as it could have been…I’ll spare you the details but I will just say that even my reflux baby has never thrown anything like THAT at me before!
He was still white as a ghost in the morning so I stayed home with him but by the time he woke up from his afternoon nap he was just fine. Austin got some playtime in with his cousin before he left us to live at his mom’s house. While my grocery bill doesn’t miss having a teenage in our house, we certainly miss having him around. Austin still calls out to him every time I say “Supper!” It is really cute, he walks to the top of the basement stairs and yells out “supper dedin!” and then runs over to his seat and gestures frantically until someone picks him up and puts him in (and occasionally climbs up himself if we don’t respond quickly enough for his liking). Leave it to my kid to be able to pronounce ‘supper’ clear as day but he still can’t say ‘more’.
To be continued……
Last Saturday we took Austin to the Discovery Centre. He had so much fun playing in the sandbox, walking across the suspension bridge, and played with the bubbles. Played in the bubbles is probably a better word for it. He was fascinated! He submerged his hands in the bubble solution and took such joy in watching the foaming that resulted from his rapid movements. I took the bubble wand and blew some big bubbles and he squealed with delight as he chased the bubble around the tub. It was so much fun. We tried to put him in a giant bubble but instead of being surrounded in bubbly goodness, he fell and when knee deep in the solution.
Luckily I had packed a change of clothes for him. I stripped him down to his fuzzy bunz while G tried to dry his sock and shoe (of course I didn’t bring extra socks or shoes), got him dressed in his dry clothes and we let him run around the room for small wonders with one bare foot (yes…me the germ-a-phobe…let my child walk around barefoot in a public place). We spent another hour or so at the Discovery Centre helping Austin walk up slated floors that look level, climb into the truck and play in the giant Lego racing car. Every Saturday should be that much fun!
Around 2am on Monday, I hear my little monkey calling out. “Maaaaamy….Mama? MAAAAAAMEEE!” It wasn’t stopping, which meant this wasn’t just a little stir in his sleep. I went into his room, picked him up fully prepared to just rock him back to sleep. And then it hit me….the smell of baby vomit. Not spit up mind you…. Spit up has a distinctive non-threatening aroma…you just wipe it up and its gone. Our first experience with baby vomit was not as bad as it could have been…I’ll spare you the details but I will just say that even my reflux baby has never thrown anything like THAT at me before!
He was still white as a ghost in the morning so I stayed home with him but by the time he woke up from his afternoon nap he was just fine. Austin got some playtime in with his cousin before he left us to live at his mom’s house. While my grocery bill doesn’t miss having a teenage in our house, we certainly miss having him around. Austin still calls out to him every time I say “Supper!” It is really cute, he walks to the top of the basement stairs and yells out “supper dedin!” and then runs over to his seat and gestures frantically until someone picks him up and puts him in (and occasionally climbs up himself if we don’t respond quickly enough for his liking). Leave it to my kid to be able to pronounce ‘supper’ clear as day but he still can’t say ‘more’.
To be continued……
Thursday, March 11, 2010 •
So yesterday was a Wordless Wednesday. I didn't post because I was in such a funk yesterday, though I probably should have posted to get it all out. Over the past couple of weeks I have seen how cruel parents can be to their children. Being a parent myself I can not imagine inflicting any kind of pain on my son. It's so sad. I know I haven't shared details with anyone and I will keep those private because it isn't my story to tell BUT I will say that as a parent I just can't imagine putting Austin through what this child is going through.
After Austin was born my life changed forever. When I look back on the first few months of his life I regret that I didn't enjoy him more. I was so stressed about his weight and so consummed by the time commitment required to feed him that I didn't get to stop and enjoy him for more than a few fleeting moments. I do finally feel like I had to walk that road for a purpose, to share my experience with others so they know they are not alone.
A friend of mine is having issues with her baby gaining weight and when I spoke with her I could totally relate. When Austin was a newborn, I felt like I couldn't possibly meet his needs and more than once I wanted to put him down and just walk away to regain my sanity. I didn't sleep, I didn't take care of myself and I didn't ask for help becuase I felt ashamed that I couldn't handle my own baby when I could take care of anyone else's baby with my eyes closed. I was so stressed and worried that every little spit up was wasted calories and that if he didn't gain weight that meant I was a complete failure as a mother. Don't get me wrong, I loved him desperately, if I didn't I wouldn't have cared or worried so much.
I don't remember when that sense of helplessness changed. I know that one night I slept all night long and woke up in a panic that I hadn't fed my little boy through the night. As soon as I sat down to nurse him, he ate. He ate and was full and didn't need a bottle to top him up. I felt a small victory that morning and that day everything seemed better. It was still stressful and I still needed to supplement him and I still took 30 pills that day to help with my milk supply, but I felt like I could manage. I enjoyed my day cuddling with Austin as he nursed and taking him for a walk outside. I just drank him in and enjoyed the way he smelled and the little smile he made at me when I tickled his belly. It gets better and even when you think that it never will, it does. It didn't happen all at once but when I let go and just accepted a small victory it started to turn around. Have there been days since then that I felt like I couldn't cope, absolutely but then there are days like yesterday when my little man brings such joy to my life by the smallest action.
Yesterday morning I had on a long necklace with a few crystals on it. As I walked by Austin's high chair, he reached out and grabbed it and examined it. He looked up at me, smiled and said "Piddy Mommy, piddy", let go of the necklace and went back to his cereal. Yes my necklace is pretty and I really like it and so does my boy. At that moment I didn't care that his milk and shreddie covered hands were all over my new shiny necklace, all I cared about was that he thought it was piddy...I mean pretty.
So yesterday, when I was so sad I just wanted to cry because my heart was hurting for my friend and her baby and for someone else's child, I remembered the moment that I shared at the start of the day with my major victory...my smart, healthy, awesome baby boy.
After Austin was born my life changed forever. When I look back on the first few months of his life I regret that I didn't enjoy him more. I was so stressed about his weight and so consummed by the time commitment required to feed him that I didn't get to stop and enjoy him for more than a few fleeting moments. I do finally feel like I had to walk that road for a purpose, to share my experience with others so they know they are not alone.
A friend of mine is having issues with her baby gaining weight and when I spoke with her I could totally relate. When Austin was a newborn, I felt like I couldn't possibly meet his needs and more than once I wanted to put him down and just walk away to regain my sanity. I didn't sleep, I didn't take care of myself and I didn't ask for help becuase I felt ashamed that I couldn't handle my own baby when I could take care of anyone else's baby with my eyes closed. I was so stressed and worried that every little spit up was wasted calories and that if he didn't gain weight that meant I was a complete failure as a mother. Don't get me wrong, I loved him desperately, if I didn't I wouldn't have cared or worried so much.
I don't remember when that sense of helplessness changed. I know that one night I slept all night long and woke up in a panic that I hadn't fed my little boy through the night. As soon as I sat down to nurse him, he ate. He ate and was full and didn't need a bottle to top him up. I felt a small victory that morning and that day everything seemed better. It was still stressful and I still needed to supplement him and I still took 30 pills that day to help with my milk supply, but I felt like I could manage. I enjoyed my day cuddling with Austin as he nursed and taking him for a walk outside. I just drank him in and enjoyed the way he smelled and the little smile he made at me when I tickled his belly. It gets better and even when you think that it never will, it does. It didn't happen all at once but when I let go and just accepted a small victory it started to turn around. Have there been days since then that I felt like I couldn't cope, absolutely but then there are days like yesterday when my little man brings such joy to my life by the smallest action.
Yesterday morning I had on a long necklace with a few crystals on it. As I walked by Austin's high chair, he reached out and grabbed it and examined it. He looked up at me, smiled and said "Piddy Mommy, piddy", let go of the necklace and went back to his cereal. Yes my necklace is pretty and I really like it and so does my boy. At that moment I didn't care that his milk and shreddie covered hands were all over my new shiny necklace, all I cared about was that he thought it was piddy...I mean pretty.
So yesterday, when I was so sad I just wanted to cry because my heart was hurting for my friend and her baby and for someone else's child, I remembered the moment that I shared at the start of the day with my major victory...my smart, healthy, awesome baby boy.
Monday, March 8, 2010 •
On Sunday I got in the car to run a few errands, when I hit the highway I could have kept going. The sun was shinning, the day was beautiful and I had the car and the radio to myself. It took everything in me not to pass the exit to Lower Sackville and just keep on going, not sure where I would end up or when I would be coming back… instead I took the exit and got groceries…growing boys need to eat!
Growing boy is right! Austin seems to have had a growth spurt over the past week and Gordon and I had to take him shopping for a few tops and bottoms. 18-month pants are too short but fit him around the waist and 24-month pants are a tad long and too big in the waist, poor little guy can’t win. He is officially a big boy, no more onesies for him, he is just too big and they are really inconvenient with the on the go diaper changes (he insists on not staying still while changing the Fuzzy Bunz!)
The sun is shinning again today and I really feel like spring is coming. I am so ready for the warmer weather and for it not to be dark at 4pm anymore. It was so nice this morning to go in and wake Austin up and as we had our morning cuddle with a book the sun was coming in through the window, warming Austin’s little feet. It was so cute to watch him reach out and try to grab the sunlight, as if he has been waiting for spring to come.
One of my favourite blogs is by a photographer who writes about her children. The birth story of her second child was so moving. Her story of the birth of her daughter Nella is the most honest and touching things I have ever read. I doubt I would be able to be that honest so publicly. I don’t think I would be able to put into words the experience of having a child born and then discovering that the perfect baby that was expected has Down syndrome…but I digress…. She posted a Spring To Do list and it got me thinking about my own list:
1) Play in the rain with Austin jumping in as many puddles as we can find!
2) Take Austin to Point Pleasant Park and fly a kite on the edge of the ocean
3) Invite Austin’s friends over for an Easter Egg Hunt
4) Wear more colour (anyone else bored of my black, white and grey wardrobe?)
5) Stop to admire the blooming flowers
6) Buy a playhouse for the backyard and spend our weekends hunting bugs, sliding and swinging in the backyard
7) Go on a picnic
What have you got planned for this Spring?
Growing boy is right! Austin seems to have had a growth spurt over the past week and Gordon and I had to take him shopping for a few tops and bottoms. 18-month pants are too short but fit him around the waist and 24-month pants are a tad long and too big in the waist, poor little guy can’t win. He is officially a big boy, no more onesies for him, he is just too big and they are really inconvenient with the on the go diaper changes (he insists on not staying still while changing the Fuzzy Bunz!)
The sun is shinning again today and I really feel like spring is coming. I am so ready for the warmer weather and for it not to be dark at 4pm anymore. It was so nice this morning to go in and wake Austin up and as we had our morning cuddle with a book the sun was coming in through the window, warming Austin’s little feet. It was so cute to watch him reach out and try to grab the sunlight, as if he has been waiting for spring to come.
One of my favourite blogs is by a photographer who writes about her children. The birth story of her second child was so moving. Her story of the birth of her daughter Nella is the most honest and touching things I have ever read. I doubt I would be able to be that honest so publicly. I don’t think I would be able to put into words the experience of having a child born and then discovering that the perfect baby that was expected has Down syndrome…but I digress…. She posted a Spring To Do list and it got me thinking about my own list:
1) Play in the rain with Austin jumping in as many puddles as we can find!
2) Take Austin to Point Pleasant Park and fly a kite on the edge of the ocean
3) Invite Austin’s friends over for an Easter Egg Hunt
4) Wear more colour (anyone else bored of my black, white and grey wardrobe?)
5) Stop to admire the blooming flowers
6) Buy a playhouse for the backyard and spend our weekends hunting bugs, sliding and swinging in the backyard
7) Go on a picnic
What have you got planned for this Spring?
Wednesday, March 3, 2010 •
Lovin' life!
Monday, March 1, 2010 •
I made cake balls this weekend. I am hooked on a blog called Bakerella. The woman does great things! I have been finding her site an exciting escape from the crazy events of this past weekend. It's a long story and one day I'll share but on Saturday I got a new purse and a teenager. It's temporary but we're really happy to have one of our nephews staying with us for the next couple of weeks.
Anyway bake to the baking. I was intrigued with the concept of cake balls so I bought a lemon cake mix and tried them out. It was so easy. Ater I made the cake according to the package directions, I crumbled the cooled cake into my kitchen aid and let that reduce it to crumbs. I added 1 can of cream cheese forsting, formed balls about the size of a quarter and chilled over night in the fridge. Sunday I dipped them in milk chocolate and voila! Cake balls. I know, I know...I used mixes because I didn't want to ruin something that I made from scratch. No worries....last night I made a red velvet cake from scratch and fully intend on making the cream cheese frosting before we head over to wish Adam a happy 13th birthday. So soon there will be pictures of the Red Velvet cake balls.
Stress baking makes me adventurous in the kitchen!!! Now if I can just get that stress eating under control!