Today is a great day.

There are clouds in the sky and I’m sure it is going to rain…oh well! My garden needs the rain and come to think of it so does our lawn; it isn’t as green as it should be…maybe we should put some lime on it to help that out. Today is a great day because it is Friday and I get to spend two full days with a couple of my favorite people! (That and there was an awesome rendition of All Star this morning by three crazy people on the way to work!)

We have swimming a play date/dinner date on Saturday and then a glorious Sunday of family time. Monkey is very entertaining these days and we’re never really sure what is going to come out of his mouth. For instance, this morning he told me he was awesome and that candles are not candles…they are cake (he has only ever seen candles on birthday cake) and when he saw the Snickerdoodle cake that I have made for Kermesse (yes Snickerdoodle cake….I can still smell the cinnamony goodness!) he started singing Happy Birthday. Very cute!

Even work is good today. I am flying through my to do list and am fairly hopeful that I won’t go into the weekend with a backlog to face on Monday. It’s a good thing!

My Kitchen Aid has been busy! I’ve made Cowboy cookies; Chewy Oatmeal Raisin cookies (recipe on the back of the Parkay Margerine box); sugar cookies; lasagna; chicken curry; chicken chili and Chocolate Peanut Butter Cupcakes (from Martha's Cupcake book). Cooking is such a stress relief for me, that and I really like watching other people enjoy what I have made for them.

It is suppose to be a really nice weekend. I’m looking forward to the sunshine, Fuzzi Bunz on the line and time with good friends. Life is good!

Updating the blog!

I am fully aware that I have not blogged in awhile. I was doing so well but, like other “projects” in my life, I got distracted and haven’t made time to follow through in awhile.

G’s recovery from the car accident is coming along. He has been going to physio and still gets a stiff neck at work. I’m hoping that he’ll feel back to 100% soon. We got our new car, not with out some drama and haggling, but in the end Toyota made it right and we drove away in a new 2010 Corolla. We didn’t want to tempt fate so while we have the same car we did select a different colour. I do like the silver and how it hides scratches much better than the dark Gray did.

A lot has been going on in our world. Major congratulations are in order for so many people!

Annette & Derrick: Congratulations on your wedding. You have no idea how much I wish I could have been there! I know that you were married exactly the way that you wanted to be, on a beach with the sun shinning down and palm trees as your witnesses! You both look so happy in the pictures. Annette you are a beautiful bride! I can’t wait to celebrate with you this summer.

Lisa & Pete: Welcome baby Katherine! Kay is gorgeous. I know that she is much earlier than you expected and oh so tiny, but she is gorgeous. When I was watching her in the NICU on Monday, I couldn’t get over how small but determined she is. I know that they next few weeks will be exhausting but, oh, doesn’t your world change the minute they give you a precious baby to hold!

Laura: Thank you for the visit. It was so fantastic to spend some much needed quality time with you. You are glowing and beautiful. Pregnancy agrees with you in such a fabulous way! I’m glad that you enjoyed your baby shower and I am looking forward to seeing the pictures of Baby A soon (but not too soon)!

Austin had his 18-month check up last week and he weighed in at 31lbs. I’m still in a bit of shock over that one! My baby who struggled to stay on the charts and was in the 5th percentile for weight at 4 months old is now in the 95th percentile. It is remarkable how much he has grown. And his spirit is just so bright! I love being around him, his joy and humour are infectious!

Last night G brought ice cream home after his physio appointment. I should have known better than he feed Austin ice cream at 7pm, just after his bath. He spent the next two hours running around the basement, throwing his hands up over his head and yelling “I score! I score!”. It was beyond cute. I need to get these things on video…

Grateful

I am grateful for my precious little boy who brings a smile to my face each and every time I look at him; for great family and friends whom I depend on and for my amazing husband who sticks with me no matter what.

This week has been a difficult week in that a series of unfortunate events have happened to me personally or to very dear friends. I am struggling a bit because there isn’t much more I can do than to be a shoulder to lean on (well I can bake and cook of course and I plan on doing just that this weekend!). My heart aches because I want to take some of their frustration and hurt away and I can’t. A heavy heart needs to be carried with caring hands and all I can do is offer and hope that that is enough.

I will never quite understand why good people have to go through difficult situations. I get that there are lessons to be learned and Lord knows I have had to learn my fair share, it just seems so unfair that people who are so deserving of all the best things that life has to offer have to go through it.

I guess that each lesson is for a reason. I know that I have been able to share my lessons with them and I hope that has been able to bring them some comfort.

Life just sucks sometimes and it’s hard to see the bright side and the joy, but the important thing is to try to bring the sunshine to the people who need it, and hope that it makes its way through the darkness.

Cloth Diapers and Car Crashes

Saturday started out as such a great day! The sun was shinning so I got G to fix the clothes line and I hung Austin’s Fuzzi Bunz out to dry. I’m a dork I know but this is truly the sign that summer is approaching:

G went to pick up the babysitter and we were going to be off on an afternoon date at the spa, that was until my phone rang at 12:30 and G told me he was in a car accident. Lots of drama was followed by a trip to the ER. Thankfully our babysitter was perfectly okay. G on the other hand is still hurting and will be starting physio this week. Just what we needed. 2010 has not been kind to us health wise…..that soon has to change! Anywho this is what our car looks like now:

Needless to say we will be getting a new car. Our dealer is trying to put together the same lease deal for us (we had a sweet, sweet deal!) and I’m waiting to hear back from him to see what they can do for us. Ahh….a trip down south really sounds like a great idea right now…..

A simple thank you

I have been doing a lot of work on my life for a while. Anyone who knows me knows that my type A, everything needs to be planned personality can make changes to my plans hard for me to deal with. I had a vision of what life with my husband was going to be like and our first year of marriage was nothing like I had planned. We bough a house and tried for a family and that did not work out as I had planned.

When Austin came into my world, life threw us a curve ball with his weight gaining issues and that threw my plans for maternity leave and for my well planned out mothering approach for a loop. Let’s face it, I do not deal well with stress when the life of my child is at stake! I’ve written about this before so I won’t go in to detail again. The purpose of this post is to tell you that today I sent a simple thank you to a woman who has changed my life.

I’ve written about Kelle Hampton and shared a link to her birth story before. Today I wrote her to thank her for helping me change my perspective and for inspiring me to make real changes to my attitude and approach to life and happiness. Kelle has been changing people’s lives and she has certainly had an affect on mine. I wrote to her with no expectation that she would read my email, let alone take the time to write me back. This woman has been getting attention from media around the world and I am sure she is bombarded with emails, letters and the like. Well about 5 minutes after I clicked send, she responded. I am still a little amazed but am grateful that she took the time to write me. She thanked me for my words and mentioned how adorable Austin is (of course I sent her a picture…I am that mom that carries his picture around in my wallet and shows him off to everyone, besides this blog is really just a very, very public brag book!).

I encourage you to visit Enjoying the Small Things and soak in her happiness…trust me it really is contagious!

Happy Birthday Wishes and this week's weigh in

Happy Birthday Laura!!! I hope that you have a wonderful day and I promise I will send the snickerdoodle cupcake recipe this week! In the meantime enjoy the 7 minute icing on your cake today!

Well the good news is that I lost weight this week, the bad news is that I don't really how much because I gained last week, knew it and did not get on the scale to face the harsh reality that I had failed. This week I'm feeling much more optimistic! Bright and early this morning I was at Met field getting in a walk/run...and it was snowing. Okay not major snow but it was enough to make me ears freeze (of course I wasn't wearing a hat!) and then I got that cold ear burn and headache so I decided to cut the last walk/run segment and head home to the heat.

The plan for this week is walk/run three times, two evening family walks, yoga on Thursday and two 30 Day Shread workouts. My goal is to earn a minimum of  15 Activity points...One of the girls' on the WW board earned 75 points last week...75! I am envious and completely aware that she does not have a gorgeous Monkey to divide her time with but man that is impressive! It is something to strive for.

Today we're hanging out, Austin just woke up from his nap and is going to have some lunch. We're going to have a playdate and dinner at a friend's house tonight and I'm really looking forward to getting out.

Too cute to keep this one to myself!

Think, Think, Think...

Deliciously evil!

Saturday turned out to be a miserable sort of day. So Austin and I baked these:

Snickerdoodle cupcakes. Now if you have ever had a snickedoodle cookie you are well aware that they are delicious and addicting…the cupcake is no different and tasted EXACTLY like the cookie. I was doing okay with not eating the cupcakes though…that is until I made the Seven Minute frosting that Martha’s peeps recommend for topping them. I have never made the frosting (also called boiled icing) before. Well it turned out to be beyond dangerous!!! When it was ready to be piped unto the cupcakes, I had a taste. It was just like eating homemade marshmallow before it sets up! I must have eaten about 6 or 7 spoonfuls after I was done icing the cupcakes. I physically had to leave the room in order to stay away from it. Oh so good! For the sake of my weight loss goal I don’t think I can ever make it again…except maybe when I go to NL this summer. Janice will LOVE these!!!!!

Sunday was a great day. It started very early at 6:15am when my little man put his hands on my face and said “Momma? Owside? Bubbles!!” I had made the mistake of leaving the blind up and he could clearly see that the sun was shinning and as he is yet unable to read a clock did not realize that Mommies like to sleep on Sunday mornings at 6:15am. I pulled out some books and we read and cuddle for about 30 minutes until he declared that it was time for “supper” and yet again asked for bubbles. Downstairs we went. I put a coat on over his jammies and sent him out on the deck while I made coffee. We stayed outside for most of the morning, coming it to eat, shower and change fluffy bottoms. We also put out bread to feed the birds. I’m sure he is part Follett the way he goes crazy over the birdies!

I started my learn to run group Sunday night at the track. After the first couple of running spurts I thought I was going to have a heart attack! My chest was tight and I had that feeling of wanting to quit because it was hard….but I didn’t. I finished the session and am actually looking forward to tonight’s run....now to refrain from baking this week and maybe, just maybe the scale might move!!

Saturday morning

When G and I first got married, Saturday mornings were spent cuddled in bed, talking about what we wanted to do that weekend and day dreaming about our dream home. We'd leisurely make our way out of bed by 10, grab brunch at Cora's and go about our day.

After we bought our house, Saturday mornings were spent in bed picking out colours and talking about our renovation plans. We'd get out of bed around 10 and get to work on our house for a few hours before grabbing lunch out.

Then I got pregnant and Saturday mornings were spent in the bathroom, me gripped with morning sickness and G rubbing my back. As my belly swelled and the morning sickness subsided, we's lay in bed and talk about all the things we needed to do before the baby came.

Now that Austin is here (and is a very busy toddler) Saturday mornings start at 6am. He calls out from his room and one of us hauls ourselves out of bed to go get him. We then spend an hour or so reading books, tickling Monkey and being used as his jungle gym. He laughs and laughs. He runs out to his room and gets a book and comes back asking us to read. Soon enough he askes for "supper" (every meal is supper) and we all get up and start our day.

Saturday mornings may no longer start at 10am with brunch out but there is still lots of cuddling and day dreaming. Nothing beats hearing your name being called by the cutest child ever and him being so happy to see us walking through his door. Some mornings I really wish that call wasn't coming until 8am but still it's worth it.

Now off to 10am swimming lessons and then hopefully the sun will come out and we can make our way to the park. Happy Saturday morning.

Next comes Mount Everest!

Last night I was chatting on the phone when I heard a loud THUD and then the pitter patter of Monkey's feet as the cried out for his mommy. He managed to climb out of his crib! I'm not sure how he did it, I am guessing that he used the bumper to hoist himself up and then flipped over the rail. So just days after bragging that I have never had any issues with Monkey trying to get out of his crib, I now need to convert his crib to a toddler bed. G and I are going to redecorate the guest room for him at some point but we need to renovate the closets between the two rooms first... another project for my list.

This is another one of those moments when I miss my little baby. He is really becoming a little boy right before my eyes.

Can you write a caption for this photo??!

An Eggs-trodinary day

Today was as close to perfect as I could ask for. Austin slept in until 7 and played quietly in his crib until about 7:30...well quietly might be a strech, I heard cat and dog sounds and then he was "whistling" (aka screaming at the top of his lungs musically). We got up, had breakfast and headed outside. Austin helped me put the eggs around the yard. I had to bring him inside to keep him from making a pile with the eggs that we had just scattered around.

Once Austin's friends arrived, we gave them each a basket and let them loose in the yard to find the eggs.

Mackenzie searching hard...

Clare helping Austin put the eggs in his basket

All finished with the eggs, the kids moved onto the sandbox table

Some silly shots:

After all the kids went home Austin had the shortest nap in history. When he woke up we ran a few errands and then after supper Austin wanted to go back outside. I grabbed the bubbles and we started blowing. Austin loves bubbles. He squeels with delight and chases them around the yard. His eyes have such a great glow to them and it just makes me happy to watch him so happy. He ended up drinking some of the suds when it was his turn to blow but then he burped a bubble and laughed a real true belly laugh which in turn made me laugh.

 

He has had his bath (with even more bubbles) and is all ready to be cuddled and sung off to sleep. Tomorrow morning is Easter and I am picking my mother up at the airport at 7:20am. We are so excited. I can't wait to share the joy of Austin with her. You seriously can not have a bad day around my little boy...he just makes my heart sing.

Easter baking

These are vanilla bean and citrus cupcakes form the Marth Stewart cupcake boook (the batter recipe for the Coconut Chicks) I found the batter way too think so I added an extra half cup of butter milk. The peeps cupcakes are for the egg hunt and the nest with the eggs is for Mark's dedication on Sunday.

These cookies are the Company's Coming basic sugar cookie dough recipe, decorated with royal icing. This was the first time that I decorated cookies like this, and though it was a bit time consuming to get the icing consistency right, it was well worth the time and effort.

A Boutilier Gathering

Today was Leah's funeral. It was a beautiful service and quite a large crowd gathered to pray with us as we sent G's grandmother off to meet the Lord.

The upside of funerals is that families get together.  Following the service at the gravesite, we picked Austin up from the sitter's and headed to Glen and Holly's. It ended up being a great get together! Austin entertained and ate food until I thought he was going to be sick. He had a great time with G's cousin Trevor and with his cousin Callum. Cindy (another of G's cousins) and I decided to get the boys together for a playdate. They are only about 7 months apart and they seemed to get along well. Now that I think about it, I remember being pregnant at the "Welcome Baby" shower that Holly had for Cindy...I just wasn't telling anyone!

We ate, drank and shared stories. I'm sure the party is still going on...we had to bring the monkey home for his bath and bed.

A friend shared this poem with me and I want to share it with you. I am also putting this down as something that I want shared at my funeral (which I sincerely hope is not for a long time yet). I truly believe that we live in the hearts of those who love us and that when someone dies they don't ever leave us.


Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.
~ Mary Elizabeth Frye

Getting ready for difficult days...

On Thursday afternoon Gordon's beautiful grandmother passed away. She was 97 years young and, thankfully, did not suffer a long illness. Tomorrow is the visitation and the funeral will be on Monday.

It's hard for me to explain how I am feeling right now. Leah was an amazing person and she will be dearly missed. I keep thinking about how lucky I am to still have all of my grandparents and I am not sure how I will handle it when one of them passes. I'm lucky enough to be close to three of my grandparents and I call them, send them pictures of Austin and visit with them when I am home. I love my visits with them. They fall all over Austin as he shows off his extreme cuteness and then they tell stories of when I was a little girl or when my mom and Dad were younger. It's fun to sit there and take it all in...I look forward to those moments and I don't want to think about not having more of them.

I have been a member of the Boutilier family for 7 years now...I can't believe it has been so long! My first big Boutilier family event was Leah's 90th birthday. I'll never forget walking into the Kinsmen club, just down the street from where we live now, and meeting all of G's family. I finally understood how poor G felt when I dragged him to NL for the first time!!! I had met Leah twice before the event and when we walked up to wish her a happy birthday she looked right at me and said "Well isn't it nice that you are still around." I wasn't sure if that was a compliment but I took it as one.

Fast forward to 2007. We went to Nan Boutilier's 95th birthday party at the nursing home. Leah wasted no time mincing words when we arrived. "Are you pregnant yet?" I was a little taken a back to say the least. G and I had only recently made the decision to start trying for a family and hadn't shared that with anyone. When I told her that no we weren't expecting yet, Leah looked right at me and said "What's wrong with you? Get on with it already." G and I had to laugh because only Leah would come right out and demand a Great-Grandbaby!

It makes me sad that Austin won't have any memories of his Great Nan Boutilier. We will share stories and pictures with his as he grows so that he'll know who she was but that just isn't the same as sitting on her knee listening to her tell stories about when G was a little boy.

I hate funeral homes with a passion. They are so sad and depressing. I don't expect ballons and a party but I really feel like we should be celebrating life and not just morning our loss. I also hate the open casket thing. It is really creepy to see someone all laid out like that. When my great grandmother passed away I remember looking at her in the casket and thinking that she looked fake. Same thing when my uncle Cyril passed. Open caskets freak me out!

Leah lived as exceptional life and while we are all sad that she is gone, I don't think we should lose sight of the joy that she brought to us all. We will miss you Nan.

Some new treats...

today I tried to make chocolate chip cookies....and I burnt 2 of the 3 dozen...distracted much? Here are a few pictures of the red velvet cake balls and the green velvet version that I made for my sister's 19th o'birthday on St. Patty's day:

Really tasty! I have a bunch of great Easter cupcake ideas too. This is going to be a busy week for baking. Nat's birthday and the office(fiscal) New Year's party is on April 1, Austin is having an easter egg hunt on April 3 and Mark's dedication is April 4...cupcakes for every occasion!

The great stay at home mom debate

The past two days my sitter has been closed and I have gotten to work from home. It's amazing how much work I can actually get done with a toddler sitting in my lap. We started off yesterday morning with a playdate at the ice cream church with Clare and Mark. Austin had a blast and it was a lot of fun to hang out with Emily. After lunch Austin refused to nap so I tried to figure out a way to get my work done. Playhouse Disney is my friend! Austin watched Mickey and Handy Manny and I sent emails and scheduled meetings.

Today the weather is miserable and so we're hanging out at home. Austin is napping at the moment and I have gotten a lot done....the only problem is that I'm sitting here trying to figure out what I can do to work from home and make at least my current salary. I like my job but I love being home with my son. He is such a great kid and I realize how much I am missing. He is so clever and he is learning new words everyday. I love just cuddling up and reading a book with him. He really loves singing songs and dancing right now too. We've been having repeat performances of Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes!

Being home brings me back to being on maternity leave and being here for each and every moment. I need to work. There is no way around that one but my gosh I would like to stay home. I dream of winning the lottery and I am constantly thinking of things that I could do that would allow me to work from home...although...maybe I could bring Monkey to work with me! I'll set up a play space in my office and he can come to meetings with me and liven things up! A daycare at the Health Centre would be nice and then I could see him whenever I wanted during the day....

Being a working mom is a struggle. I am constantly divided between working and wanting to be with Austin. When I go to work I try to focus on what I am doing and not think about what Austin is doing and then to make up for it I go a little overboard on spending time with him and doing fun things when we all get home at the end of the day. By the time he goes to bed at 8:30pm I am exhausted. It makes it really difficult to get my workouts in or to spend any real quality time with Gordon.

It's frustrating because I'm sure if I stayed home and took in kids I would be just as exhausted and the house just as neglected and I'm not sure that I would feel 100% happy with my decision to give up my job...

Not sure what the answer is...does anyone else?

Part 2

So last week continued....

Wednesday morning I got up at 2 am and was ill...and I mean you would think I drank a 26er ill. Needless to say I didn't go to work. At noon G called and said he was coming home and the next thing I know we're both down and out. I couldn't even get up to pick Austin up from the sitter's. My awesome sister in law picked him up for me and my in-laws come over to help us take care of him until his bedtime and by help I mean do it all. Just as they were getting him ready for bed he started throwing up. My poor father in law didn't know what to do with himself. If I hadn't been so ill I would have had a hard time containing my laughter.

Thursday we all stayed home and were starting to be on the mend and Friday was business as usual, though I still couldn't eat anything. It's Sunday now and I'm still more or less on a diet of toast and water!

This weekend has been gorgeous! Yesterday it was almost 20 degrees. We went to Adam's gold medal hockey game (happy to report that he won!) and Austin cheered his heart out and I have the video to prove it. It was so funny!

After the game we got groceries and went home to play in the backyard. Austin had a great time running around the yard while G and I dreamed of the projects we would like to get done in the back. We need a new deck but not sure when that is going to happen....we might be able to get one more summer out of the deck that we have now but next year it will need to be replaced for sure.  Anyway...back to Austin running around. I have to say that it was exactly what I had envisioned when we were looking for a house. He has so much space to run, jump, dig in the dirt and just be a little boy. We're getting a slide for him to add to the fun. There is a park down the street but it will be nice to be able to just let him go in the backyard. Here are a few pics of our outdoor adventure:

What a week- Part 1

I know people say that all the time but today I mean it!! Since my last update so much has happened and I haven’t been very good at documenting them. Where to start?….

Last Saturday we took Austin to the Discovery Centre. He had so much fun playing in the sandbox, walking across the suspension bridge, and played with the bubbles. Played in the bubbles is probably a better word for it. He was fascinated! He submerged his hands in the bubble solution and took such joy in watching the foaming that resulted from his rapid movements. I took the bubble wand and blew some big bubbles and he squealed with delight as he chased the bubble around the tub. It was so much fun. We tried to put him in a giant bubble but instead of being surrounded in bubbly goodness, he fell and when knee deep in the solution.

Luckily I had packed a change of clothes for him. I stripped him down to his fuzzy bunz while G tried to dry his sock and shoe (of course I didn’t bring extra socks or shoes), got him dressed in his dry clothes and we let him run around the room for small wonders with one bare foot (yes…me the germ-a-phobe…let my child walk around barefoot in a public place). We spent another hour or so at the Discovery Centre helping Austin walk up slated floors that look level, climb into the truck and play in the giant Lego racing car. Every Saturday should be that much fun!

Around 2am on Monday, I hear my little monkey calling out. “Maaaaamy….Mama? MAAAAAAMEEE!” It wasn’t stopping, which meant this wasn’t just a little stir in his sleep. I went into his room, picked him up fully prepared to just rock him back to sleep. And then it hit me….the smell of baby vomit. Not spit up mind you…. Spit up has a distinctive non-threatening aroma…you just wipe it up and its gone. Our first experience with baby vomit was not as bad as it could have been…I’ll spare you the details but I will just say that even my reflux baby has never thrown anything like THAT at me before!

He was still white as a ghost in the morning so I stayed home with him but by the time he woke up from his afternoon nap he was just fine. Austin got some playtime in with his cousin before he left us to live at his mom’s house. While my grocery bill doesn’t miss having a teenage in our house, we certainly miss having him around. Austin still calls out to him every time I say “Supper!” It is really cute, he walks to the top of the basement stairs and yells out “supper dedin!” and then runs over to his seat and gestures frantically until someone picks him up and puts him in (and occasionally climbs up himself if we don’t respond quickly enough for his liking). Leave it to my kid to be able to pronounce ‘supper’ clear as day but he still can’t say ‘more’.

To be continued……

Looking up....

So yesterday was a Wordless Wednesday. I didn't post because I was in such a funk yesterday, though I probably should have posted to get it all out. Over the past couple of weeks I have seen how cruel parents can be to their children. Being a parent myself I can not imagine inflicting any kind of pain on my son. It's so sad. I know I haven't shared details with anyone and I will keep those private because it isn't my story to tell BUT I will say that as a parent I just can't imagine putting Austin through what this child is going through.

After Austin was born my life changed forever. When I look back on the first few months of his life I regret that I didn't enjoy him more. I was so stressed about his weight and so consummed by the time commitment required to feed him that I didn't get to stop and enjoy him for more than a few fleeting moments. I do finally feel like I had to walk that road for a purpose, to share my experience with others so they know they are not alone.

A friend of mine is having issues with her baby gaining weight and when I spoke with her I could totally relate. When Austin was a newborn, I felt like I couldn't possibly meet his needs and more than once I wanted to put him down and just walk away to regain my sanity. I didn't sleep, I didn't take care of myself and I didn't ask for help becuase I felt ashamed that I couldn't handle my own baby when I could take care of anyone else's baby with my eyes closed. I was so stressed and worried that every little spit up was wasted calories and that if he didn't gain weight that meant I was a complete failure as a mother. Don't get me wrong, I loved him desperately, if I didn't I wouldn't have cared or worried so much.

I don't remember when that sense of helplessness changed. I know that one night I slept all night long and woke up in a panic that I hadn't fed my little boy through the night. As soon as I sat down to nurse him, he ate. He ate and was full and didn't need a bottle to top him up. I felt a small victory that morning and that day everything seemed better. It was still stressful and I still needed to supplement him and I still took 30 pills that day to help with my milk supply, but I felt like I could manage. I enjoyed my day cuddling with Austin as he nursed and taking him for a walk outside. I just drank him in and enjoyed the way he smelled and the little smile he made at me when I tickled his belly. It gets better and even when you think that it never will, it does. It didn't happen all at once but when I let go and just accepted a small victory it started to turn around. Have there been days since then that I felt like I couldn't cope, absolutely but then there are days like yesterday when my little man brings such joy to my life by the smallest action.

Yesterday morning I had on a long necklace with a few crystals on it. As I walked by Austin's high chair, he reached out and grabbed it and examined it. He looked up at me, smiled and said "Piddy Mommy, piddy", let go of the necklace and went back to his cereal. Yes my necklace is pretty and I really like it and so does my boy. At that moment I didn't care that his milk and shreddie covered hands were all over my new shiny necklace, all I cared about was that he thought it was piddy...I mean pretty.

So yesterday, when I was so sad I just wanted to cry because my heart was hurting for my friend and her baby and for someone else's child, I remembered the moment that I shared at the start of the day with my major victory...my smart, healthy, awesome baby boy.

Spring has Sprung!

On Sunday I got in the car to run a few errands, when I hit the highway I could have kept going. The sun was shinning, the day was beautiful and I had the car and the radio to myself. It took everything in me not to pass the exit to Lower Sackville and just keep on going, not sure where I would end up or when I would be coming back… instead I took the exit and got groceries…growing boys need to eat!


Growing boy is right! Austin seems to have had a growth spurt over the past week and Gordon and I had to take him shopping for a few tops and bottoms. 18-month pants are too short but fit him around the waist and 24-month pants are a tad long and too big in the waist, poor little guy can’t win. He is officially a big boy, no more onesies for him, he is just too big and they are really inconvenient with the on the go diaper changes (he insists on not staying still while changing the Fuzzy Bunz!)

The sun is shinning again today and I really feel like spring is coming. I am so ready for the warmer weather and for it not to be dark at 4pm anymore. It was so nice this morning to go in and wake Austin up and as we had our morning cuddle with a book the sun was coming in through the window, warming Austin’s little feet. It was so cute to watch him reach out and try to grab the sunlight, as if he has been waiting for spring to come.

One of my favourite blogs is by a photographer who writes about her children. The birth story of her second child was so moving. Her story of the birth of her daughter Nella is the most honest and touching things I have ever read. I doubt I would be able to be that honest so publicly. I don’t think I would be able to put into words the experience of having a child born and then discovering that the perfect baby that was expected has Down syndrome…but I digress…. She posted a Spring To Do list and it got me thinking about my own list:

1) Play in the rain with Austin jumping in as many puddles as we can find!
2) Take Austin to Point Pleasant Park and fly a kite on the edge of the ocean
3) Invite Austin’s friends over for an Easter Egg Hunt
4) Wear more colour (anyone else bored of my black, white and grey wardrobe?)
5) Stop to admire the blooming flowers
6) Buy a playhouse for the backyard and spend our weekends hunting bugs, sliding and swinging in the backyard
7) Go on a picnic

What have you got planned for this Spring?

Wordless Wednesday

Lovin' life!

Stress baking

I made cake balls this weekend. I am hooked on a blog called Bakerella. The woman does great things! I have been finding her site an exciting escape from the crazy events of this past weekend. It's a long story and one day I'll share but on Saturday I got a new purse and a teenager. It's temporary but we're really happy to have one of our nephews staying with us for the next couple of weeks.

Anyway bake to the baking. I was intrigued with the concept of cake balls so I bought a lemon cake mix and tried them out. It was so easy. Ater I made the cake according to the package directions, I crumbled the cooled cake into my kitchen aid and let that reduce it to crumbs. I added 1 can of cream cheese forsting, formed balls about the size of a quarter and chilled over night in the fridge. Sunday I dipped them in milk chocolate and voila! Cake balls. I know, I know...I used mixes because I didn't want to ruin something that I made from scratch. No worries....last night I made a red velvet cake from scratch and fully intend on making the cream cheese frosting before we head over to wish Adam a happy 13th birthday.  So soon there will be pictures of the Red Velvet cake balls.

Stress baking makes me adventurous in the kitchen!!! Now if I can just get that stress eating under control!

How lucky we are..

Sorry I haven't posted all week. I was busy getting my boss ready to be Gene Simmons on Thursday night and I had a cold and sore throat which kept me home from work on Friday (with Austin who had a cough and runny nose). Today started out as a great day. I am finally down to 1lb below my prepreggo weight so I rewarded myself with a new purse (which was actually needed because my current purse is falling apart) so after G got back from watching our nephew play hockey (Austin was WAY to cranky to go), we headed to the mall.

On our way home later this afternoon, G ran into Future Shop to pick up a tax program and I waited in the car with Austin who was snoring away in the back seat. I tried to catch up with my friends by stalking FB on my cell phone and I came across a post saying that a Fertility Friend member's son had passed away during the week. He was 15 months old. I did not know this woman or her son because I am not part of that mommy group but I still feel for her. Her little boy had a congenital heart defect and from what I can gather his passing was somewhat unexpected. No parent should have to bury their child. My heart aches just thinking about it and I can't really express how I feel about her loss. I want to act in someway but I'm not sure what to do. How do you ever make that better for someone? 

Austin is the light in my world. His smile and slobbery kisses make every moment of my day worthwhile. Gordon and I would be lost without our boy. We can not even begin to think about a life that does not have him as part of it. He completes us, inspires us and teaches us to find the joy in the same things.

Tonight I held Austin extra close and said a prayer for Jasper. I pray that his family finds peace and that I take the time each day to be grateful for our gift and how lucky we are that we get to continue to watch Austin grow and the extra hugs and kisses that we get to have.

How lucky we are to have that chance....

Friday weight in...or not....

I didn’t step on the scale today. I was scared. The concept of a grown woman being scared of numbers is a bit odd. It’s just a number, it shouldn’t mean anything but to me it means everything. I haven’t been eating great because we’re in event mode and pizza and muffins have been my staples for the last three days.


I need some serious image help. Seriously, I see women who are way bigger than I am and I can’t help but think that I look like them. I still fit into regular clothes and a large top but still, I look in the mirror and I see a blob. I know it isn’t really what is being reflected, but I just can’t seem to see through it. I haven’t weighed this much (not pregnant) in close to ten years. It’s really hard to be back in this place. Some days I just take the easy way out and give up the good fight and other days I really focus on it and try to change everything all at once. Not working for me at this stage….

I hate falling off the wagon and getting back on. It’s a constant struggle and today I am struggling and not finding much resolve…

9th Annual IWK Radiothon on C100FM!

Today is the first of a three day take over of the airwaves by the IWK Foundation. As a new mom I understand how incredibly important this incredible Health Centre is. Austin was seen by Nutrition Services when he was just a few months old because he wasn't gaining any weight. He had dropped over a pound after he was born and it took almost a month for him to get back up to birth weight. The clinician that we saw was awesome and was so good with Austin (although the high tech scale at the IWK actually had Austin weighing less than his Dr's scale did....that was the not so good news). Anyway you all know now that my incredible little boy is beyond health, still he has made a couple of trips to the ER and as a parent it is really reassuring to know that this incredible place exisits.

I urge you to visit http://www.c100fm.com/ and listen to some of the incredible stories and, if you are able to do so give your gift to help the IWK.

Sleep...my old friend where are you?

I am exhausted. I mean I am brain numb; walking around in a haze; fell asleep during Mickey Mouse Clubhouse exhausted. Austin has been getting up at night and has not been cooperating much with going back to sleep so we end up taking him to bed with one of us while the other sleeps in the guest room. It just takes far to long for him to go to sleep at night. Seriously we're talking 45 minutes plus plus plus here!  Don't get me wrong, he still sleeps through the night the majority of the time but the nights he doesn't it's just not fun. The child loves to cuddle and that is probably our biggest problem with the night issue. We created this monster I know....but honestly who isn't going to cuddle their baby boy to sleep every chance they get? He is just so cute but I have to admit that he is starting be a big boy instead of my baby boy and the rocking to sleep is getting harder. New techniques are a must and I guess I'll be surfing the 'net and pulling out my trusty copy of "The Baby Book" this weekend to try to figure out what to do.

It doesn't help that I am still not 100% physically either. I didn't really realize how much surgery takes out of you. In hindsight I probably should have taken more time off work to recuperate. I just hope for a restful weekend because next week is a busy week at work and I am going to need all the energy that I can muster.

Sandman please come to my rescue! I am in desperate need!!!!

Finally! The scale moved!

So I wasn't going to weigh in this week. After stepping on the scale last week and seeing it jump 7lbs, I was so discouraged. I thought that this week wouldn't be much better considering all I had done was slept and sat around. Oh wait...yesterday I did do some cleaning and went to yoga last night (That was fun...let me tell you, it is not the time to go to yoga one week out from abdominal surgery when the class is focusing on core strength...I felt like I was going to pass out. I also felt kind of stupid because everyone around me was able to become a human pretzle and I spent half the class in child's pose and downward dog)

So this morning with much trepidation I stepped on the scale...Down 8lbs!!! I'm at the weight I was before Christmas and only 3lbs away from my Valentine's Day goal. I am going to need to work hard this week but I think I can do it!

Yeah me!

Baby bellies everywhere...

So the problem with being at home for a week is that I have had too much time to think. I made the mistake of allowing my husband to be in the room with me with the surgeon when he said not to go back to work until at least the 8th and not to lift anything heavier than 10lbs for a minimum of a week. G takes doctor's orders very seriously and thus I have actually been home from work for a week....watching A Baby Story.

So now I am kind of on the "when will we have another baby?" kick. Don't get me wrong I am perfectly content with Austin and spending every minute that I can with him is a complete joy. I know that he will make an amazing big brother and he really likes having another kids around so it isn't a matter of "if", it's a matter of "when?". Two of my friends are pregnant right now and I am living vicariously through their baby bellies. Laura is just absolutely glowing! Emily just had her baby back in December and I miss the new baby smell.

I know I need to lose the weight before I can get pregnant and I really think I can lose 50lbs by the summer. It's a matter of good health and setting a good example for Austin and faster recovery, all that jazz....but I really look forward to having a belly that isn't flab, but is baby fab!

First Haircut

Enought with my weight and my health issues...my little man got his first haircut on Sunday, January 31, 2010. Doesn't he look incredibly handsome?! He is growing up so fast...*sniff*

Minus an organ

It's been a while and I'm sorry about that. Last Tuesday I had another gallbladder attack (in the middle of the IWK Foundation Brand launch!) and ended up back in teh er. I have honestly NEVER felt pain like that before in my life. I ended up being admitted to the hospital and waited in the ER until Wednesday afternoon for a room on the surgical unit. I finally had my surgery  on Thursday morning and was allowed to go home Thursday night. I felt not too bad on Friday but Saturday I couldn't even move off the sofa. I just felt miserable. So far the pain pills make me sleepy but eating food is just horride. I'm still sticking with oatmeal and soup, everything else makes me feel like I'm going to throw up.

I hate not being able to pick up my little man or do things for myself...G takes doctor's orders VERY seriously!  So know that I am around, I am recovering, I just don't feel up to sitting at the pc for any length of time. 

Another uneventful weekend...NOT!

So never a dull moment at the Boutilier household! On Friday night Andrea came by to watch Austin and G and I sent out on an actual date. It was so much fun. We went to Jane on the Commons for dinner (fantastic food) and then to Starbucks for coffee. I shouldn’t have had the coffee. It was my third cup of the day and sure enough on the way home I started to feel sick. At 2:30am I woke up with ridiculous pain and that didn’t let up until after 10am. By late afternoon I felt well enough to keep our play/dinner date with friends and off we went.


Austin had a great time playing with Graham and even ate his dinner at the play table without a high chair. I’m not sure who got more food though…Austin or Charlie (the dog). Around 7:30 I started to feel not great so we headed home. By the time we hit the highway I was in so much pain I couldn’t sit up straight. We went to the ER and I was seen pretty quickly. Apparently I am not having esophageal spasms…. I have been having gallbladder attacks! They pumped me full of gravol and were about to give me morphine when I had crazy flash backs of coming down after my c-section and wanting to take sandpaper to my skin all the while throwing up continuously…maybe I need to start listing that as an allergy. Thankfully I remembered before they pumped it through the IV port. I was given a dose of dilaudin and sent home and told to come back for 9am to get an ultrasound.

The next morning we dropped Austin off to hang out with Garnet and the boys and headed back to the ER. The Ultrasound technician was looking at the screen and I asked if it was a boy or girl. Funny right? …. G didn’t think so and actually come to think of it that wouldn’t have been funny at all. Anywho he didn’t find a baby but he did find a gallbladder full of stones but no inflammation, which would have meant immediate surgery.

Back out to see more doctors and nurses, got sent to the shiny new ER downtown, spoke with the hot surgery resident and then given the info to book an appt to see the surgeon. It was so great to get home to my little man at the end of the day. It was great that G and I got to spend some time together but that was really not what we were looking for!

I’ll keep you posted but hopefully it will be a few months before surgery. I’ll find out next week.

Friday weight in

Woo Hoo! Finally the scale has moved! I'm down 2lbs this week and pretty proud of that fact! Hopefully the trend continues. I am reading a great book right now called Master your Metabolism by Jillian Michaels. It is really interesting to learn about all the chemical reactions that happen in your body when you ingest something. There is a whole plan that goes along with it but I am not there yet. I'll keep you posted.

Last night after yoga, we skyped with Mom, Dad, Janice and their company. Austin happily blew kisses to Nanny, Poppy, Aunt Janice, Great Nan Coleman, Aunt Mary and Ian. Austin was a bit cranky given that he doesn't much like being made to sit in one spot for very long but he made sure to give a major dose of cuteness to tide everyone over! I really want to get a laptop, it would make doing the webcam thing so much easier because Austin could stand up and move around without too much disruption. It's hard to believe that this time last year Austin and I were home in Newfoundland for a visit. I miss having the freedom to just go and travel home and not worry about vacation days. Right now I'm stressing about how to manage next Thursday when Kelly is closed. I might bring Austin to the office for a little bit if necessary. We shall see.

I'm so excited for date night tonight! It feels like forever since Gordon and I have spent some real time together. I have no idea what we are doing yet but I am looking forward to it big time!!!

Happy Birthday Mom!

Another Year

By Joanna Fuchs

I’m wishing you another year

Of laughter, joy and fun,

Surprises, love and happiness,

And when your birthday’s done,

I hope you feel deep in your heart,

As your birthdays come and go,

How very much you mean to me,

More than you can know.

Have a wonderful day Mom!

Hump day update

So I didn't lose any weight last week. I'm not surprised given that I only got one workout and a yoga class in. I'm going to start cardio two-three days a week at work. We have a gym so I might as well use it! This week my goal is to get the 30 Day Shred done 3 times and to do my yoga class. I cut out my daily Starbucks (mostly because the gift cards ran out) and I have managed to stay on point every day so far.

I'm going to post a new recipe every week as I try to take my favourite foods and try to make them fit into my new way of eating. I will completely fail if I can't have things that I love so right now I'm working on some of my favourite soups. Below is a soup I reworked last week. It was so delicious!


Austin is finally on the mend! I'm so happy that my little boy is acting like himself again. He is eating and sleeping all-night and full of mischief! Last night he took all the baskets off the kitchen caddy and climbed up on the shelf and slid through to the other side. It was so cute. He is saying "happy" now. I was trying to teach him to sing Happy Birthday but so far no dice. He does start the happy part and then he sings his own song. Too cute!

Gordon and I are going on a date Friday night. I'm really looking forward to having some down time. I hate how I was adamant that a baby would not change the time I spent with Gordon and he totally has. We decided that we would start making a real serious effort to spend more time together. I really need that too. G is such an awesome guy and I really have fun with him. Friday night should be fun. I have no idea what we are going to do but I'm sure we'll have fun.

New Food Wednesday

Roasted Butternut Squash soup

Servings: 8 (1 ¾ cup per serving)
Points: 3

1 butternut squash cut in half, seeds and pulp removed
salt
pepper
2 tbsp olive oil
2 tbsp sugar free syrup

Drizzle the squash with the oil and syrup, sprinkle with salt and pepper to taste. Roast at 400F for about an hour.

8 cups chicken stock
6 fresh sage leaves
1 steam fresh rosemary
2 medium potatoes, cooked in microwave, skins on
salt
pepper

Cut the potato into chunks. Add remaining ingredients. Add the roasted squash. Cook for 10-15 minutes. Using an immersion blender puree the soup. Add salt and pepper to taste. For thicker soup add less stock.

Sick boys and stiff legs

Well it has been an interesting week. Austin has been very sick and I am exhausted. It all started on Friday when Austin came home from Kelly’s. He got through the door and wanted to cuddle. By 6pm he had a fever of 104 and the next thing I know he started throwing up. I have honestly never seen so much come out of someone so small! We decided to take him to the walk in clinic. The Dr at the clinic took a look and said that he didn’t have an ear infection and that if his fever didn’t break to take him to the IWK. Gordon was also feeling like crap and I thought he had an ear infection but it turns out his ears are just still clogged from the flights home.


Saturday started out as a normal day…well as normal as it can be when your child doesn’t sleep all night. G and I tried to get all the Christmas decorations down while trying to feed Austin (he refused food all day…not like him at all). At 5pm he became very clinging and attached and at 6pm he had a fever of 104. We decided to pack him up and bring him to the IWK. 5.5 hours, a pee test and a chest x-ray later we went home. Chest is clear, no ear, kidney or bladder infections. No sleep for mom and dad either.

Sunday Austin was acting more like himself and his temp was down to 100 so we went to get some groceries. We got home from the grocery store at 5pm. He became attached and by 6pm had a fever of 104. I decided to take him back to the IWK in the morning if his doc couldn’t see him.

Monday I find out that his doc is away so back down to the IWK we go. This time they say that he does have an ear infection and gave him antibiotics. I’m not sure that they are 100% right and have an appt to see his doc Thursday morning. He isn’t eating much and isn’t sleeping unless it is on or with someone.

Given all of this, I’m not surprised that I haven’t totally been on track this week. I did manage to stay on points so far and got my workout in yesterday. The plan is to do the 30 Day Shred 4 times this week, plus my yoga class on Thursday night…although one day in and my legs are killing me….why can’t I just wake up skinny? Although if I could wake up and have anything I want I think it would be to win the lottery so that I could stay home with Austin…skinny I can pay for! Lol!

Friday Weigh in...oh joy!

Well today is the day I get back on track. I was suppose to start Wednesday on my Valentine's Day challenge to lose 10lbs by February 14th but I haven't been doing so well. Yetsreday I had 17 of my 27 points used before 10am! Christmas was not kind to me and when I stepped on the scale this morning I was up 4lbs from where I was before the holidays.

Last night I had yoga and I feel so much better today. I am starting the 30 Day Shred again tomorrow. Should be fun! Austin slept all night in his own bed and for the first time all week I feel rested.....now to tackle the massive amount of work that I have to do before Robbie gets back in the office on Monday!

New Year- New Commitments

So I decided not to make "resolutions" this year. I made commitments to myself and to my family instead.2010 is the start of a new decade and a time for me to have a new mantra. I can no longer spend so much energy worrying about other people in terms of what they think about my decisions or about what I am doing. If it is out of my control I am not going to stress about it (see sega in previous entry...I was very proud of myself for maintaining my composure the whole time).

I have been trying to lose weight ...it seems like forever. 2010 is the year that I do this. I know I started this blog to keep my family up to date on news in our world and I am going to continue that, but I am also going to use it to help keep me accountable. Maybe I can help someone else who is struggling or find some support. By the end of 2010 I am going to have lost a minimum of 50lbs. I always resolve to lose weight for Gordon or for Austin. This time I am doing it for me and I am hopeful that that will make all of the difference in the world. I have to the tools, I just need to be dedicated and diligent. I can do this! (Especially because I can't get pregnant again until I do, and we want another baby!)

So keep checking in for Austin news and the boutilier household babblings but know that I am going to be talking a lot of my weight, food, cooking and balancing the world on my shoulders while trying to do it.

New Year and a travelling adventure already!

Happy New Year! Our trip to Newfoundland was eventful…to say the least. Our flight home was great, G and I both had sinus pain on the decent to Deer Lake but Austin slept through it, which was great. Our bags arrived and we headed to Corner Brook. On the 23rd Austin started to get sick and by the 24th he had a fever of 104. He was up bright and early Christmas morning and seemed to have fun opening presents but was pretty lethargic the rest of the day. His fever broke that afternoon and he finally started to come around on the 27th. He had a great time at Mom and Dad’s and they all loved having him. The only bad thing was that I couldn’t leave the room. He would freak out if he couldn’t see me. I went out a couple of times without him and he was fine once I was gone but if he knew I was around it was a whole other story!

New Year’s eve we had a bbq and then had family game night. We played Wii games and then set off fireworks at midnight. It was a lot of fun.

Saturday came and I got us all packed and organized. There was a big storm in Halifax and I was waiting for the flight to be cancelled but it wasn’t so we headed to the airport. Our flight was delayed 45 minutes and then another 35 minutes. We finally boarded the flight at 8:20pm and my mom and dad headed back to Corner Brook.

After sitting on the runway for 20 minutes they decide to cancel the flight because of winds in Halifax. The airport shut down. They told us that they would stay in Deer Lake overnight and then leave in the am. I called my parents and got them to come back to the airport (they were almost home at this point). Another 20 minutes pass and they announce that instead of staying in Deer Lake they were going to send the flight to Montreal. I asked if we had to go to Montreal or if we could get off the plane. They told us that if we went to Montreal we would get to Halifax for sure on Sunday because there are flights leaving every hour but if we stayed in Deer Lake it would be Saturday before we could get a flight. By this time my parents have come back to the airport and decided not to leave until we were off the ground. Gordon had also left his id in Corner Brook and they let him on the plane with his Costco card for id. (Great security) So we were worried about that. The Gate agent put a note on his file so that we wouldn’t have any issues in Montreal.

At 10:45 the plane finally left Deer Lake for Montreal. We arrived at midnight eastern time (1:30am NL time), get off the plane and were told that there were no flights and that it might be a day or two before we all get to where we are going (so not what they had told us before take off!) We got signed up for a hotel and then went to get our luggage. At 1:15 we had our luggage and were waiting outside in the bitter cold for the shuttle. Austin was a trooper and didn’t cry or act like a monkey or anything. We tried to get a cab but were told that was going to take 30 minutes and at this point the shuttle had arrived but because we were out of the line we missed it. G took Austin in the airport and came back out when the shuttle came back 17 minutes later. At 2am we were finally checked into our room and trying to get Austin to sleep while I was on hold with the number that they told us to call for 2 hours! I gave up at 5:30am NL time and finally closed my eyes to get some sleep.

2 and a half hours later my cell phone rings and it’s my mother asking if we were all checked in and ready for our flight. I had no idea what she was talking about. Apparently we were rebooked to go on a flight to Toronto and then to Halifax. The gate agent had given my mother our flight itinery but no one had communicated that to us. I was livid. I was so tired and stressed that I just sat on the bed and cried for a good 5 minutes before pulling it together.

I decided that we would get dressed, feed Austin breakfast and then head to the airport to deal with it there. We arrived at the airport at 9:35am. I got in the ticket line and called the 1-888 number again. G took Austin for a walk around the airport to entertain him. I got through on the phone (I had only moved about 5 feet while I was waiting) and she booked us on a flight from Ottawa to Halifax and told me to go to the baggage check in line to get put on a standby flight to Ottawa.

I get to the check in desk and explain to the agent that G only has 14 hours of insulin left and that I’m out of diapers and we needed to get to Halifax that day or G would be out on insulin and in a hospital somewhere. After about 30 minutes of working with the system and her manager she had us priority standby on a flight direct Montreal Halifax leaving at 1:30. She put notes on the file for the gate agent and told us to check with her when we got to the gate. We check our bags and went on. She was wonderful and even gave us diapers for Austin.

We went through security and went to the gate to wait. The gate agent comes and I go to talk to her and she brushes me aside and refuses to hear me out. At one point she put her hand in my face and told me to sit down! She left the booth and I spoke to the other agent and explained our situation and told her how I tried to speak to the other lady but that was useless. They had already filled the flight at this point and could not put us on. G lost it and swore very loudly and threatened to go find the manager downstairs himself! At that point I sent him away and apologized. There was a younger gate agent there and she immediately asked me my name. She looked up our file and all the notes were there. The other lady wouldn’t even look. I was so upset but I kept my composure. The younger agent then took us over to the next gate where a flight was leaving for Halifax at 2:30. She spoke with eth gate agent and then handed me boarding passes for the flight. We were so relieved! We boarded the plane but didn’t get off the ground until close to 4pm because we needed to de-ice.

As we were seated on the plane I could see them loading luggage on the plane and I watched ours go up the ramp onto the plane. We arrive in Halifax with no luggage. Don’t know how that happened! They gave us a loaner car seat that didn’t have any anchors or anything like that on it. Needless to say I took a mental health day yesterday. Austin woke up at 9:45am and then I sent him to Kelly’s. G and I had coffee, went for groceries and then had a nap. I’m still exhausted today but at least we are home.

Finding a new balance...will it ever happen?

I feel like I spend a lot of time on here whining. I don't mean to come across that way but I am struggling big time in my life. I dislike that I can't seem to find the energy to do the things that fulfilled me before Austin and my positive attitude seems to have taken a flying leap off my office building.


I remember when Austin was a month old and most of my family came to visit for his baptism, I had no idea how I would ever get him out of the house on my own and begged my mother not to leave. I felt so overwhelmed and alone and the thought of trying to get Austin anywhere on my own was just too much. But over time I managed to do it. I somehow managed to get myself ready and get Austin ready and leave my house to rejoin the world.

Austin and I had a good system going. I would pack his bag up at night if I knew I had to go somewhere the next day, he would sit in his bouncy chair (and later play in the excersaucer) while I got ready, I'd nurse, change and dress him and we would head out. I usually planned my day around his nursing sessions because they were so complicated and would take longer. Once he was 4 months old I abandoned the feeding tube for his supplements and simply gave him a bottle to top him off. My destinations were mapped out before I left the house and I managed to keep to it pretty well. As Austin grew, things got more flexible and we were good. I was happy, I knew what to expect out of my days and I just loved watching him grow and teaching him all about the world around me.

Now that I’m back to work I’ve settled into a routine but it isn’t one that I like. I am tired all the time and drag myself out of bed in the morning and get ready for work. The only time I get to spend with Austin really is nursing him and then the morning rush sweeps over. I work all day and then its home for supper, bath, playtime and then bed. By the time Austin is in bed, I don’t really feel like doing much (that and I usually fall asleep in the rocking chair and end up groggy). I know that I just need to pick a task and do it. I know what I need to do I just can’t seem to force myself to get there. I used to work out every morning before Austin got up but then I got off track. One day turned into two, turned into a week, turned into three weeks with no workout (thank goodness for Weight Watchers or I would be totally off track with my weight loss goals). I know I just need to get off my ass and do it.

No easy ending to this post....I just need to get this out there. I know someone else out there must be feeling the same way...