Looking up....

So yesterday was a Wordless Wednesday. I didn't post because I was in such a funk yesterday, though I probably should have posted to get it all out. Over the past couple of weeks I have seen how cruel parents can be to their children. Being a parent myself I can not imagine inflicting any kind of pain on my son. It's so sad. I know I haven't shared details with anyone and I will keep those private because it isn't my story to tell BUT I will say that as a parent I just can't imagine putting Austin through what this child is going through.

After Austin was born my life changed forever. When I look back on the first few months of his life I regret that I didn't enjoy him more. I was so stressed about his weight and so consummed by the time commitment required to feed him that I didn't get to stop and enjoy him for more than a few fleeting moments. I do finally feel like I had to walk that road for a purpose, to share my experience with others so they know they are not alone.

A friend of mine is having issues with her baby gaining weight and when I spoke with her I could totally relate. When Austin was a newborn, I felt like I couldn't possibly meet his needs and more than once I wanted to put him down and just walk away to regain my sanity. I didn't sleep, I didn't take care of myself and I didn't ask for help becuase I felt ashamed that I couldn't handle my own baby when I could take care of anyone else's baby with my eyes closed. I was so stressed and worried that every little spit up was wasted calories and that if he didn't gain weight that meant I was a complete failure as a mother. Don't get me wrong, I loved him desperately, if I didn't I wouldn't have cared or worried so much.

I don't remember when that sense of helplessness changed. I know that one night I slept all night long and woke up in a panic that I hadn't fed my little boy through the night. As soon as I sat down to nurse him, he ate. He ate and was full and didn't need a bottle to top him up. I felt a small victory that morning and that day everything seemed better. It was still stressful and I still needed to supplement him and I still took 30 pills that day to help with my milk supply, but I felt like I could manage. I enjoyed my day cuddling with Austin as he nursed and taking him for a walk outside. I just drank him in and enjoyed the way he smelled and the little smile he made at me when I tickled his belly. It gets better and even when you think that it never will, it does. It didn't happen all at once but when I let go and just accepted a small victory it started to turn around. Have there been days since then that I felt like I couldn't cope, absolutely but then there are days like yesterday when my little man brings such joy to my life by the smallest action.

Yesterday morning I had on a long necklace with a few crystals on it. As I walked by Austin's high chair, he reached out and grabbed it and examined it. He looked up at me, smiled and said "Piddy Mommy, piddy", let go of the necklace and went back to his cereal. Yes my necklace is pretty and I really like it and so does my boy. At that moment I didn't care that his milk and shreddie covered hands were all over my new shiny necklace, all I cared about was that he thought it was piddy...I mean pretty.

So yesterday, when I was so sad I just wanted to cry because my heart was hurting for my friend and her baby and for someone else's child, I remembered the moment that I shared at the start of the day with my major victory...my smart, healthy, awesome baby boy.