So in a matter of days (34 hours give or take) I will be turning 30. I have to say that I am not thrilled about the idea. My 20’s have been so defining for me. The things that I have accomplished, experienced and tried have shaped me in major ways and I am scared of the uncertainty that comes with starting this next chapter.

I don’t agree that age is just a number. I really do think that age can impact how we view things. Some people say that 45 is too old to be out all night partying and others think that life begins at 45. I have a problem with the whole “Life begins at…” mindset. It bothers me because it means that whatever happened before said age doesn’t matter, doesn’t affect who you are or how you act. I almost think that at 30, I should be further ahead in my career or that I should have traveled a little more in my 20’s BEFORE I had the responsibilities of a job, house, husband and child. Don’t mistake my wonder about my level of accomplishment as regret because I do not regret any of the choices that I have made (well except for that one choice to drink the vodka before Super Cousin’s 19th birthday….).

I do think that it’s very valid to say, “I found my life’s purpose at…”. I always worked very hard to accomplish the goals that I set out for myself. I worked hard at school and was involved in so many activities and worked part time. I went to university and studied hard (played hard too) and worked practically full time while I did it. I started my job and worked hard to meet my goals and the goals of the organization. My life’s purpose became clear to me the day my son was born. All of the experiences and lessons that I had been through before were preparing me for helping guide his life.

Now being a mother is not the ONLY thing that I am but it affects practically every aspect of my life and directly impacts the decisions that I make. There are days when I want to just go out an shop till I drop…but I don’t because what little free money we have needs to be spent more wisely. There are weekends when I want to stick on a pair of fake eyelashes and go out and get my groove on…but I don’t because I have no idea how to put on fake eyelashes and my friends here have grown out of the downtown scene and the vision of getting up at 6am to a toddler who wants to go “owside” to blow bubbles and look for “planes” after a hard night of drinking just doesn’t appeal to me.

What does appeal to me is good times with good friends, quality time with family, yoga, running and a great blog writing session. I love my skinny vanilla latte and a homemade treat. Cuddling with my boys and kisses from my husband. I love slashing in puddles with Austin and having him "help" me in the kitchen. I love a good phone conversation with my sister.

30 will be fun. 30 will be filled with so many days of growth and change. I can remember being a kid and all of the great times that I had with my friends growing up and how our house was full of friends and cousins all the time.  Of taking pictures of Monkey with a dirty face and lovin' our life.

I have no idea what G has planned for Saturday, I've been told that we'll be getting up, getting dressed and heading out the door. I am going to grab the camera and capture the day.  Hopefully it won't be anything embarrassing, like the time I turned 12 and my mom gave me a bra for a gift...at my party...in front of boys! Hopefully the gifts won't be hard to get into like the time I turned 16 and Annette and Jules duck taped a massive box closed....20 minutes later I finally got down to the small box holding the Sweet 16 charm (which I still have btw!). Maybe I will make a stop at Lululemon to get my long desired and awaited sweatshirt courtesy of those same amazing friends (and the Little One!)! I can't believe I can wear a 12 now....that in itself is a great gift!

Come on Saturday! Come on 30 and everything that you will bring with it!

And on a side note...can you believe that this crazy kid is 20 months old?!? Where is the time going. I need to get on planning his birthday party. I have a feeling it will be a "To-mass" theme!!! He loves his apron by the way.

Happiness is....

In my world happiness is the simple things.  Like yesterday's day off and spending some quality time with Monkey and friends (two play dates in one day no less!) and then making cinnamon rolls in my kitchen, looking out into the backyard where Monkey is "mowing" the lawn with his bubble mower while G was actually mowing the lawn.

Austin wants to help in the kitchen. Every time I am cooking or baking he wants to help me by adding ingredients or stirring. I went looking for an apron for him and everything was so girlie. So yesterday during our outing to Wal-Mart inspiration hit and I decided that I would make him an apron. I got a pattern and then Monkey picked out the material...really he did. I was all set to get the CARS fabric when he started going nuts over "To-mass" and asked if he wanted red or blue and he said "Boo" so this weekend he will have a Boo To-mass apron to wear when he "helps" in the kitchen.

Happiness is watching Austin drag his new hockey stick (thanks Aunt RyLee) around the house, into the shower, to the store, outside, inside, to the supper table, in to the bath tub and wanting to take it to bed with him. I'm taking this as a major hint that I will be a very proud (and broke) hockey mom. Thank goodness student loan will be paid off before he is old enough for hockey season!

Summer is coming. The sunshine was streaming through our windows this morning an it made it very difficult to get up and ready for work. I can't wait for tomorrow morning and the time to curl up on the living room sofa with my Tassimo skinny latte looking for birds and buses out the window with my Monkey and his hockey stick. I love my weekends. Fingers crossed that we win the Lotto Max tonight so that everyday can be a weekend day. Moments are so fleeting and I feel like there is never enough time to soak them all in!

This summer is going to be fantastic...I can feel it. Maybe it's the full day of sunshine getting to me...but I just know great things are going to happen!

A True Champion Child

In 2004, shortly after I had joined the IWK Foundation team and was knee deep in my first Telethon, I had the honour of meeting Spencer MacKay and him mom Rebecca. Spencer wheeled up to me and introduced himself while presenting a donation in the Gallery. We had a few laughs and I was immediately touched by his very special spirit. Spencer has a way of making the world smile. I am serious! This kid can light up a room and bring a smile to the grumpiest of faces. He has such a quick wit and you can’t help but be attracted by his optimism.

In 2005, Spencer was chosen as the IWK’s Champion Child and I got to accompany the family on the Ottawa portion of the Celebrations. During that time, I watched as the other children followed Spencer around and were all drawn to him. Where ever Spencer went, there were at least 5 or 6 others following his lead. Spencer would laugh and make jokes about how he was “da bomb” when I teased him about all the girls who wanted to hang out with him. At the time he was 10 and had just passed the “girls have cooties” stage.

One night, Rebecca and I shared a cup of coffee in my hotel room. Rebecca was in serious need of some girl time and I was intrigued by the incredible strength that she showed every day. She told me about Spencer’s birth and how doctors prepared her and the rest of Spencer’s family for the worst. You see, Spencer was born with a rare form of dwarfism, as well as other health complications. Rebecca was told that he would likely not live past the first three months of his life. Instead of living each day with dread, Rebecca chose to celebrate Spencer’s life. Each and every month she had a birthday party with cake and decorations to celebrate his presence in the world. She never gave up on him and she always encouraged everyone around Spencer to be positive and rejoice his life.

As time passed, Spencer grew stronger, showing that he would have a life beyond the walls of the IWK. After spending 18 months in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit at the IWK, Spencer was finally able to go home with his mother and family. While things are not perfect, Spencer continues to persevere against the challenges that he faces with his health. He has undergone many surgeries to help him live a full and active life.

In 2008, Spencer showed up at the IWK Radiothon and bragged that he had something to show me. Without any hesitation he climbed down from his chair, grabbed his walker and strutted across the Parker Reception Room. I was in tears I was so excited! I was thrilled to hear that all day Spencer had been asking his mom when they could come in to show me!

Working at the IWK, I have a lot of opportunities to meet incredible people and amazing kids and some of them grab a hold of your heart and never let go. I think everyone on staff has “a kid”. Spencer is my boy and continues to inspire and amaze me.

A few weeks ago we ran into Spencer at a local restaurant. He begged to take Austin for a ride on his chair. I told him that my boy was still a bit too small to go cruisin’. Spencer looked up at me with a look of concern on his face “I thought I was your boy…” Melt my heart! Of course I quickly explained that he most certainly was my boy and that I adored him and nothing would ever change that. He then said that he didn't mind sharing me with Austin.

Just a couple of days ago  Spencer was awarded the Premier's Award for Positive Change. He acknowledged for his advocacy work as a Children's Miracle Network Champion Child for the IWK and also for his 'unofficial ambassadorship' at his school at Park West, where he takes new students under his wing, and his feeding the homseless by participating in Sunday Suppers. The Premier's Power of Positive Change Award was launched September 2008 in recognition of two Nova Scotia high school students who caught the public's attention with a pink t-shirt crusade in support of a bullied student. Every year 10 Nova Scotia students are honoured and it does not surprise me one little bit that Spencer made his way onto this distingushed list!

I know this is a bit of a long post but Spencer deserves some devoted time and space. For the first time ever CMN has selected a Canadian child to be featured in a special story to air on Telethon this weekend. The story will be introduced Dr. Oz and, you guest it, will star none other than my boy Spencer! Grab a Kleenex and follow this link. I guarantee that spending just 5 minutes with this courageous, amazing kid and his awesome family will forever change your life!

Starbucks...how I love you...but not your calories

Did you know that a Starbucks chocolate chunk cookie is 9 WW points?

That makes me sad....at least a Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte is just 3WW points...There can still be joy in my tummy as long as there is some moola in my pocket!

Another weekend gone…

Plans changed but it was still a fabulous weekend! The weather was gorgeous on Saturday and we took full advantage of it. Monkey had his swimming lessons in the morning and he had a blast. Normally about half way through he just wants to do his own thing but this week he followed the instructor for the full class. He was so proud of himself for floating on his back.

Our playdate/BBQ was rescheduled because the other kiddos weren’t feeling well. We took full advantage of the extra family time and worked in the garden. Gordon mowed the lawn and Monkey helped him. Austin wanted to be just like his Daddy on Saturday.

There is just something about watching Gordon with Austin that makes me love him even more. I know I’m getting mushy but just hear me out…G is not exactly a big gushy guy. He has always been great with kids but he never fully “let go”. With Monkey there is no hesitation, he loves on him in a big way and has so much patience. He gets Austin involved and shows him how to do big boy things but he gets down to Austin’s level and plays baby games with him too. It’s obvious to everyone that G LOVES being a Dad and that is pretty cool.

Sunday was pretty laid back. The weather wasn’t great but we managed to get a few errands done. Poor Monkey got a ding in his forehead where he fell into the corner of a wall. Sometimes I should just wrap him in bubble wrap! Seriously the child has no fear and when he goes, he goes 100%!

I hope he never loses that.

Here comes the weekend!

Today is a great day.

There are clouds in the sky and I’m sure it is going to rain…oh well! My garden needs the rain and come to think of it so does our lawn; it isn’t as green as it should be…maybe we should put some lime on it to help that out. Today is a great day because it is Friday and I get to spend two full days with a couple of my favorite people! (That and there was an awesome rendition of All Star this morning by three crazy people on the way to work!)

We have swimming a play date/dinner date on Saturday and then a glorious Sunday of family time. Monkey is very entertaining these days and we’re never really sure what is going to come out of his mouth. For instance, this morning he told me he was awesome and that candles are not candles…they are cake (he has only ever seen candles on birthday cake) and when he saw the Snickerdoodle cake that I have made for Kermesse (yes Snickerdoodle cake….I can still smell the cinnamony goodness!) he started singing Happy Birthday. Very cute!

Even work is good today. I am flying through my to do list and am fairly hopeful that I won’t go into the weekend with a backlog to face on Monday. It’s a good thing!

My Kitchen Aid has been busy! I’ve made Cowboy cookies; Chewy Oatmeal Raisin cookies (recipe on the back of the Parkay Margerine box); sugar cookies; lasagna; chicken curry; chicken chili and Chocolate Peanut Butter Cupcakes (from Martha's Cupcake book). Cooking is such a stress relief for me, that and I really like watching other people enjoy what I have made for them.

It is suppose to be a really nice weekend. I’m looking forward to the sunshine, Fuzzi Bunz on the line and time with good friends. Life is good!

Updating the blog!

I am fully aware that I have not blogged in awhile. I was doing so well but, like other “projects” in my life, I got distracted and haven’t made time to follow through in awhile.

G’s recovery from the car accident is coming along. He has been going to physio and still gets a stiff neck at work. I’m hoping that he’ll feel back to 100% soon. We got our new car, not with out some drama and haggling, but in the end Toyota made it right and we drove away in a new 2010 Corolla. We didn’t want to tempt fate so while we have the same car we did select a different colour. I do like the silver and how it hides scratches much better than the dark Gray did.

A lot has been going on in our world. Major congratulations are in order for so many people!

Annette & Derrick: Congratulations on your wedding. You have no idea how much I wish I could have been there! I know that you were married exactly the way that you wanted to be, on a beach with the sun shinning down and palm trees as your witnesses! You both look so happy in the pictures. Annette you are a beautiful bride! I can’t wait to celebrate with you this summer.

Lisa & Pete: Welcome baby Katherine! Kay is gorgeous. I know that she is much earlier than you expected and oh so tiny, but she is gorgeous. When I was watching her in the NICU on Monday, I couldn’t get over how small but determined she is. I know that they next few weeks will be exhausting but, oh, doesn’t your world change the minute they give you a precious baby to hold!

Laura: Thank you for the visit. It was so fantastic to spend some much needed quality time with you. You are glowing and beautiful. Pregnancy agrees with you in such a fabulous way! I’m glad that you enjoyed your baby shower and I am looking forward to seeing the pictures of Baby A soon (but not too soon)!

Austin had his 18-month check up last week and he weighed in at 31lbs. I’m still in a bit of shock over that one! My baby who struggled to stay on the charts and was in the 5th percentile for weight at 4 months old is now in the 95th percentile. It is remarkable how much he has grown. And his spirit is just so bright! I love being around him, his joy and humour are infectious!

Last night G brought ice cream home after his physio appointment. I should have known better than he feed Austin ice cream at 7pm, just after his bath. He spent the next two hours running around the basement, throwing his hands up over his head and yelling “I score! I score!”. It was beyond cute. I need to get these things on video…

Grateful

I am grateful for my precious little boy who brings a smile to my face each and every time I look at him; for great family and friends whom I depend on and for my amazing husband who sticks with me no matter what.

This week has been a difficult week in that a series of unfortunate events have happened to me personally or to very dear friends. I am struggling a bit because there isn’t much more I can do than to be a shoulder to lean on (well I can bake and cook of course and I plan on doing just that this weekend!). My heart aches because I want to take some of their frustration and hurt away and I can’t. A heavy heart needs to be carried with caring hands and all I can do is offer and hope that that is enough.

I will never quite understand why good people have to go through difficult situations. I get that there are lessons to be learned and Lord knows I have had to learn my fair share, it just seems so unfair that people who are so deserving of all the best things that life has to offer have to go through it.

I guess that each lesson is for a reason. I know that I have been able to share my lessons with them and I hope that has been able to bring them some comfort.

Life just sucks sometimes and it’s hard to see the bright side and the joy, but the important thing is to try to bring the sunshine to the people who need it, and hope that it makes its way through the darkness.

Cloth Diapers and Car Crashes

Saturday started out as such a great day! The sun was shinning so I got G to fix the clothes line and I hung Austin’s Fuzzi Bunz out to dry. I’m a dork I know but this is truly the sign that summer is approaching:

G went to pick up the babysitter and we were going to be off on an afternoon date at the spa, that was until my phone rang at 12:30 and G told me he was in a car accident. Lots of drama was followed by a trip to the ER. Thankfully our babysitter was perfectly okay. G on the other hand is still hurting and will be starting physio this week. Just what we needed. 2010 has not been kind to us health wise…..that soon has to change! Anywho this is what our car looks like now:

Needless to say we will be getting a new car. Our dealer is trying to put together the same lease deal for us (we had a sweet, sweet deal!) and I’m waiting to hear back from him to see what they can do for us. Ahh….a trip down south really sounds like a great idea right now…..

A simple thank you

I have been doing a lot of work on my life for a while. Anyone who knows me knows that my type A, everything needs to be planned personality can make changes to my plans hard for me to deal with. I had a vision of what life with my husband was going to be like and our first year of marriage was nothing like I had planned. We bough a house and tried for a family and that did not work out as I had planned.

When Austin came into my world, life threw us a curve ball with his weight gaining issues and that threw my plans for maternity leave and for my well planned out mothering approach for a loop. Let’s face it, I do not deal well with stress when the life of my child is at stake! I’ve written about this before so I won’t go in to detail again. The purpose of this post is to tell you that today I sent a simple thank you to a woman who has changed my life.

I’ve written about Kelle Hampton and shared a link to her birth story before. Today I wrote her to thank her for helping me change my perspective and for inspiring me to make real changes to my attitude and approach to life and happiness. Kelle has been changing people’s lives and she has certainly had an affect on mine. I wrote to her with no expectation that she would read my email, let alone take the time to write me back. This woman has been getting attention from media around the world and I am sure she is bombarded with emails, letters and the like. Well about 5 minutes after I clicked send, she responded. I am still a little amazed but am grateful that she took the time to write me. She thanked me for my words and mentioned how adorable Austin is (of course I sent her a picture…I am that mom that carries his picture around in my wallet and shows him off to everyone, besides this blog is really just a very, very public brag book!).

I encourage you to visit Enjoying the Small Things and soak in her happiness…trust me it really is contagious!

Happy Birthday Wishes and this week's weigh in

Happy Birthday Laura!!! I hope that you have a wonderful day and I promise I will send the snickerdoodle cupcake recipe this week! In the meantime enjoy the 7 minute icing on your cake today!

Well the good news is that I lost weight this week, the bad news is that I don't really how much because I gained last week, knew it and did not get on the scale to face the harsh reality that I had failed. This week I'm feeling much more optimistic! Bright and early this morning I was at Met field getting in a walk/run...and it was snowing. Okay not major snow but it was enough to make me ears freeze (of course I wasn't wearing a hat!) and then I got that cold ear burn and headache so I decided to cut the last walk/run segment and head home to the heat.

The plan for this week is walk/run three times, two evening family walks, yoga on Thursday and two 30 Day Shread workouts. My goal is to earn a minimum of  15 Activity points...One of the girls' on the WW board earned 75 points last week...75! I am envious and completely aware that she does not have a gorgeous Monkey to divide her time with but man that is impressive! It is something to strive for.

Today we're hanging out, Austin just woke up from his nap and is going to have some lunch. We're going to have a playdate and dinner at a friend's house tonight and I'm really looking forward to getting out.

Too cute to keep this one to myself!

Think, Think, Think...

Deliciously evil!

Saturday turned out to be a miserable sort of day. So Austin and I baked these:

Snickerdoodle cupcakes. Now if you have ever had a snickedoodle cookie you are well aware that they are delicious and addicting…the cupcake is no different and tasted EXACTLY like the cookie. I was doing okay with not eating the cupcakes though…that is until I made the Seven Minute frosting that Martha’s peeps recommend for topping them. I have never made the frosting (also called boiled icing) before. Well it turned out to be beyond dangerous!!! When it was ready to be piped unto the cupcakes, I had a taste. It was just like eating homemade marshmallow before it sets up! I must have eaten about 6 or 7 spoonfuls after I was done icing the cupcakes. I physically had to leave the room in order to stay away from it. Oh so good! For the sake of my weight loss goal I don’t think I can ever make it again…except maybe when I go to NL this summer. Janice will LOVE these!!!!!

Sunday was a great day. It started very early at 6:15am when my little man put his hands on my face and said “Momma? Owside? Bubbles!!” I had made the mistake of leaving the blind up and he could clearly see that the sun was shinning and as he is yet unable to read a clock did not realize that Mommies like to sleep on Sunday mornings at 6:15am. I pulled out some books and we read and cuddle for about 30 minutes until he declared that it was time for “supper” and yet again asked for bubbles. Downstairs we went. I put a coat on over his jammies and sent him out on the deck while I made coffee. We stayed outside for most of the morning, coming it to eat, shower and change fluffy bottoms. We also put out bread to feed the birds. I’m sure he is part Follett the way he goes crazy over the birdies!

I started my learn to run group Sunday night at the track. After the first couple of running spurts I thought I was going to have a heart attack! My chest was tight and I had that feeling of wanting to quit because it was hard….but I didn’t. I finished the session and am actually looking forward to tonight’s run....now to refrain from baking this week and maybe, just maybe the scale might move!!

Saturday morning

When G and I first got married, Saturday mornings were spent cuddled in bed, talking about what we wanted to do that weekend and day dreaming about our dream home. We'd leisurely make our way out of bed by 10, grab brunch at Cora's and go about our day.

After we bought our house, Saturday mornings were spent in bed picking out colours and talking about our renovation plans. We'd get out of bed around 10 and get to work on our house for a few hours before grabbing lunch out.

Then I got pregnant and Saturday mornings were spent in the bathroom, me gripped with morning sickness and G rubbing my back. As my belly swelled and the morning sickness subsided, we's lay in bed and talk about all the things we needed to do before the baby came.

Now that Austin is here (and is a very busy toddler) Saturday mornings start at 6am. He calls out from his room and one of us hauls ourselves out of bed to go get him. We then spend an hour or so reading books, tickling Monkey and being used as his jungle gym. He laughs and laughs. He runs out to his room and gets a book and comes back asking us to read. Soon enough he askes for "supper" (every meal is supper) and we all get up and start our day.

Saturday mornings may no longer start at 10am with brunch out but there is still lots of cuddling and day dreaming. Nothing beats hearing your name being called by the cutest child ever and him being so happy to see us walking through his door. Some mornings I really wish that call wasn't coming until 8am but still it's worth it.

Now off to 10am swimming lessons and then hopefully the sun will come out and we can make our way to the park. Happy Saturday morning.

Next comes Mount Everest!

Last night I was chatting on the phone when I heard a loud THUD and then the pitter patter of Monkey's feet as the cried out for his mommy. He managed to climb out of his crib! I'm not sure how he did it, I am guessing that he used the bumper to hoist himself up and then flipped over the rail. So just days after bragging that I have never had any issues with Monkey trying to get out of his crib, I now need to convert his crib to a toddler bed. G and I are going to redecorate the guest room for him at some point but we need to renovate the closets between the two rooms first... another project for my list.

This is another one of those moments when I miss my little baby. He is really becoming a little boy right before my eyes.

Can you write a caption for this photo??!

An Eggs-trodinary day

Today was as close to perfect as I could ask for. Austin slept in until 7 and played quietly in his crib until about 7:30...well quietly might be a strech, I heard cat and dog sounds and then he was "whistling" (aka screaming at the top of his lungs musically). We got up, had breakfast and headed outside. Austin helped me put the eggs around the yard. I had to bring him inside to keep him from making a pile with the eggs that we had just scattered around.

Once Austin's friends arrived, we gave them each a basket and let them loose in the yard to find the eggs.

Mackenzie searching hard...

Clare helping Austin put the eggs in his basket

All finished with the eggs, the kids moved onto the sandbox table

Some silly shots:

After all the kids went home Austin had the shortest nap in history. When he woke up we ran a few errands and then after supper Austin wanted to go back outside. I grabbed the bubbles and we started blowing. Austin loves bubbles. He squeels with delight and chases them around the yard. His eyes have such a great glow to them and it just makes me happy to watch him so happy. He ended up drinking some of the suds when it was his turn to blow but then he burped a bubble and laughed a real true belly laugh which in turn made me laugh.

 

He has had his bath (with even more bubbles) and is all ready to be cuddled and sung off to sleep. Tomorrow morning is Easter and I am picking my mother up at the airport at 7:20am. We are so excited. I can't wait to share the joy of Austin with her. You seriously can not have a bad day around my little boy...he just makes my heart sing.

Easter baking

These are vanilla bean and citrus cupcakes form the Marth Stewart cupcake boook (the batter recipe for the Coconut Chicks) I found the batter way too think so I added an extra half cup of butter milk. The peeps cupcakes are for the egg hunt and the nest with the eggs is for Mark's dedication on Sunday.

These cookies are the Company's Coming basic sugar cookie dough recipe, decorated with royal icing. This was the first time that I decorated cookies like this, and though it was a bit time consuming to get the icing consistency right, it was well worth the time and effort.

A Boutilier Gathering

Today was Leah's funeral. It was a beautiful service and quite a large crowd gathered to pray with us as we sent G's grandmother off to meet the Lord.

The upside of funerals is that families get together.  Following the service at the gravesite, we picked Austin up from the sitter's and headed to Glen and Holly's. It ended up being a great get together! Austin entertained and ate food until I thought he was going to be sick. He had a great time with G's cousin Trevor and with his cousin Callum. Cindy (another of G's cousins) and I decided to get the boys together for a playdate. They are only about 7 months apart and they seemed to get along well. Now that I think about it, I remember being pregnant at the "Welcome Baby" shower that Holly had for Cindy...I just wasn't telling anyone!

We ate, drank and shared stories. I'm sure the party is still going on...we had to bring the monkey home for his bath and bed.

A friend shared this poem with me and I want to share it with you. I am also putting this down as something that I want shared at my funeral (which I sincerely hope is not for a long time yet). I truly believe that we live in the hearts of those who love us and that when someone dies they don't ever leave us.


Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.
~ Mary Elizabeth Frye

Getting ready for difficult days...

On Thursday afternoon Gordon's beautiful grandmother passed away. She was 97 years young and, thankfully, did not suffer a long illness. Tomorrow is the visitation and the funeral will be on Monday.

It's hard for me to explain how I am feeling right now. Leah was an amazing person and she will be dearly missed. I keep thinking about how lucky I am to still have all of my grandparents and I am not sure how I will handle it when one of them passes. I'm lucky enough to be close to three of my grandparents and I call them, send them pictures of Austin and visit with them when I am home. I love my visits with them. They fall all over Austin as he shows off his extreme cuteness and then they tell stories of when I was a little girl or when my mom and Dad were younger. It's fun to sit there and take it all in...I look forward to those moments and I don't want to think about not having more of them.

I have been a member of the Boutilier family for 7 years now...I can't believe it has been so long! My first big Boutilier family event was Leah's 90th birthday. I'll never forget walking into the Kinsmen club, just down the street from where we live now, and meeting all of G's family. I finally understood how poor G felt when I dragged him to NL for the first time!!! I had met Leah twice before the event and when we walked up to wish her a happy birthday she looked right at me and said "Well isn't it nice that you are still around." I wasn't sure if that was a compliment but I took it as one.

Fast forward to 2007. We went to Nan Boutilier's 95th birthday party at the nursing home. Leah wasted no time mincing words when we arrived. "Are you pregnant yet?" I was a little taken a back to say the least. G and I had only recently made the decision to start trying for a family and hadn't shared that with anyone. When I told her that no we weren't expecting yet, Leah looked right at me and said "What's wrong with you? Get on with it already." G and I had to laugh because only Leah would come right out and demand a Great-Grandbaby!

It makes me sad that Austin won't have any memories of his Great Nan Boutilier. We will share stories and pictures with his as he grows so that he'll know who she was but that just isn't the same as sitting on her knee listening to her tell stories about when G was a little boy.

I hate funeral homes with a passion. They are so sad and depressing. I don't expect ballons and a party but I really feel like we should be celebrating life and not just morning our loss. I also hate the open casket thing. It is really creepy to see someone all laid out like that. When my great grandmother passed away I remember looking at her in the casket and thinking that she looked fake. Same thing when my uncle Cyril passed. Open caskets freak me out!

Leah lived as exceptional life and while we are all sad that she is gone, I don't think we should lose sight of the joy that she brought to us all. We will miss you Nan.