I feel like I spend a lot of time on here whining. I don't mean to come across that way but I am struggling big time in my life. I dislike that I can't seem to find the energy to do the things that fulfilled me before Austin and my positive attitude seems to have taken a flying leap off my office building.
I remember when Austin was a month old and most of my family came to visit for his baptism, I had no idea how I would ever get him out of the house on my own and begged my mother not to leave. I felt so overwhelmed and alone and the thought of trying to get Austin anywhere on my own was just too much. But over time I managed to do it. I somehow managed to get myself ready and get Austin ready and leave my house to rejoin the world.
Austin and I had a good system going. I would pack his bag up at night if I knew I had to go somewhere the next day, he would sit in his bouncy chair (and later play in the excersaucer) while I got ready, I'd nurse, change and dress him and we would head out. I usually planned my day around his nursing sessions because they were so complicated and would take longer. Once he was 4 months old I abandoned the feeding tube for his supplements and simply gave him a bottle to top him off. My destinations were mapped out before I left the house and I managed to keep to it pretty well. As Austin grew, things got more flexible and we were good. I was happy, I knew what to expect out of my days and I just loved watching him grow and teaching him all about the world around me.
Now that I’m back to work I’ve settled into a routine but it isn’t one that I like. I am tired all the time and drag myself out of bed in the morning and get ready for work. The only time I get to spend with Austin really is nursing him and then the morning rush sweeps over. I work all day and then its home for supper, bath, playtime and then bed. By the time Austin is in bed, I don’t really feel like doing much (that and I usually fall asleep in the rocking chair and end up groggy). I know that I just need to pick a task and do it. I know what I need to do I just can’t seem to force myself to get there. I used to work out every morning before Austin got up but then I got off track. One day turned into two, turned into a week, turned into three weeks with no workout (thank goodness for Weight Watchers or I would be totally off track with my weight loss goals). I know I just need to get off my ass and do it.
No easy ending to this post....I just need to get this out there. I know someone else out there must be feeling the same way...