Monday, April 23, 2012

I never thought that I would say the words "I want to be a stay at home mom". I have always been very career focused and even after I had Austin I was ready to go back to work. I needed the adult interaction that I had so missed while on leave and I was still recovering from PPD and wasn't in a place where staying at home would have been good for me.

Over the past three years, I have been blessed with so many moments of joy from my little man, even when I was at my wits end with his terrible threes (because ladies let me tell you...the terrible twos are nothing, they are but a walk in the park- a training ground for the volatility and attitude that are coming your way the minute they turn three years old) Austin could still melt my heart with his loving moments. I love watching him love on Amelia, it is beyond sweet when he kisses her cheek or smooths her hair when she crying while telling her "It's okay Melia".  And he gives the absolute best silly kisses.

Amelia melts me with her blue eyes and toothy smile. Her hair constantly looks like she has stuck her finger in an electrical outlet and that makes me smile. I love how she crawls over to me, reaches her arms up and cuddles right into my shoulder when I pick her up. I love watching her bloom into her own little person.

The past year has not been an easy one. We've had a number of deaths in the family and most recently a friend's wife lost her brave battle with breast cancer. She was my age and I am having a particularly hard time coming to terms with the fact that she does not get to be here for her little man and help guide him and shape his future. It doesn't seem fair that she's gone. Not for her husband or for her son.

I am so blessed to have the opportunity to love my littles everyday. I want to hold on and never let go. My hubby and I are able to put a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. We spend our time together as a family and I spend my days devoted to my kids. We're not living the high life but we have enough and even more than our share sometimes. We both work hard to provide our children with those things but I wish I could give them more. I don't mean material things, I mean more of us. It's hard for me to believe that my maternity leave is almost over. And while I am very happy with the child care we have in place (who better to help raise the littles than two incredible mommas who are also two incredible friends) I do wish it could be me.

Someone once said that having children was like having your heart walk around outside your body and it is so true. I think it's more than that but not sure how I could put it into words and not have people think I'm nuts, so for now I will say that I'm blessed and grateful for what I have been given and what I have worked for. If the past few months have taught me anything, it's that life is short and it's never too late to really appreciate your family and friends.

Enjoy the small things because when you look back, they really are the big things in life.

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